His Happily Ever After
From time to time I go onto the Widow boards that I used to frequent early on in this new journey of mine. I have drifted away from those boards because a lot of the time they are too depressing to read. So much hurt and pain in lots of posts and I just don’t feel like I need to surround myself with all of that sadness anymore.
Well today I ventured on the widow boards just to do a quick glance and see if there was anything interesting to read, sometimes there really is something non-depressing to read. I came across a post from a lady that is dating a guy and this guy basically came out and told her that he felt like she was his Happily Ever After, his Once In A Lifetime. Beautiful words to say to someone. It basically freaked her out to hear that come from his mouth.
The first person to reply to her post basically told her to look at it this way, she was her late husband’s Happily Ever After. His Once in a Lifetime. And when you think of it that way, one word…..WOW! You take such a morbid and horrible event and you put a positive spin on it. How would anyone not want to have *THAT* at the time they die? I know I want that Happily Ever After when I die. That’s probably why I’ve chosen to make each and every day of my life right now a happy one because quite frankly I don’t know if I’ll be here. So until I find that Happily Ever After, well I’m going to be happy on my own 
Anger towards the dead
Sounds messed up right? How could someone possibly be mad at someone that died? Well I’m here to tell you its very possible, and very very very REAL. It’s a feeling that has overcome me a few times in the last 6+ months. Today was one of those days when I got really mad at Gary for leaving. Kind cowardly if you look at it from my point of view. I knew Gary pretty well and he was never one to just give up. N.E.V.E.R!!!!!!!!
Logically I know that his body just couldn’t take it anymore, but I’ve watched my fair share of movies with people debating on whether to walk toward that comforting white light or go back to their body and well ummmm W.T.F!!!! How could he have chosen that light? Did he not see me freaking out outside of his room? How could he possibly think that *I* could raise Michael on my own? I mean I have no doubt that I can do it, because quite frankly I do NOT have a choice, but still knowing that his father left him when he was 2 and how he didn’t want to repeat that himself, how could he do that to us?
Like I said logically I know Gary didn’t have a choice here. But man if you were in my shoes you still can’t help but get angry from time to time. I totally blame it on the entertainment world for conveying heaven the way they do to all of us. 
My new adventure :)
I’m actually very excited about this too. When Gary was going through treatment he had told me about his friend, Josie, who was planning on running the Disney full marathon with Team in Training and wanted to run in honor of him. He was *so* moved by that. I actually got in touch with her shortly after to get more info on Team in Training because I thought it was such a great idea and I was interested in doing it myself once things calmed down with his health. I remember Gary telling me how when he was healthy enough he was going to train with Team in Training and run the Disney marathon himself, he used to be a long distance runner and ran a marathon or two back in the day.
So it was a no-brainer when I got the little postcard in the mail from Team in Training mentioning their info sessions for the upcoming winter season. Which just so happens to include the Disney marathon weekend. I immediately signed myself up for a session That session was this morning and I was so excited to go. Sooooooo excited. Being there and watching their little video just totally reassured me of the reason why I want to do this. I want to do this not only for Gary but for all of the others out there that are going through treatments for their blood cancer or those that will one day get diagnosed. I want a cure for this and like I’ve said before, whatever it takes from me I plan on doing it. So I filled out all of the paperwork and paid my registration fee so that I can run/walk (hopefully run) the Disney Half Marathon this coming January. It couldn’t be better timing either. I’ll be running my first half marathon EVER just days after the year anniversary of Gary’s death. Just thinking about the timing of all of it gives me chills.
I know people think I’m crazy for doing this but look at it from my perspective. I got to see my very healthy husband go from the pinnacle of health to someone that was gasping for air. I got to see him dwindle away to skin and bones while he was on his horrible treatment. I saw him cry when he was in pain….scream when things hurt…and pass out on the floor because his body just couldn’t keep him upright. At the time I felt helpless, now I know exactly how I can help. Yeah I can’t help Gary, but if he could put his life on the line in hopes of finding a cure for his very rare form of lymphoma well then the least I can do is put myself through a 6 month training program so that I can ultimately run 13.1 miles.
So stay tuned. I plan on posting updates. Training officially starts on August 14th Before then I’m hoping to have my website up so that I can start raising my money so that I can actually participate. I have a minimum that I have to raise in order to go in January so I can definitely use all of the help I can get.
A “club” of sorts
The other night I sat down for the 2 hour episode of Deadliest Catch. I had been looking forward to this episode since early this year because one of the main characters, Phil Harris, passed away about a month after Gary passed away. It kinda hit home only because Gary and I religiously watched Deadliest Catch. I’d probably even go as far as saying that of all of the folks on the show Phil was our favorite. Tuesday’s episode was going to be “the” episode where he actually dies. Crazy that there were camera’s around for that. I had my tissues handy because I wasn’t quite sure how I’d react. I KNEW it would be sad, just wasn’t sure how sad it would be for me.
As I was watching it they’d do their normal boat clips and then they’d show clips of Phil in the hospital. One part with Phil really hit home. It was when he was talking and basically starts apologizing for stuff. That reminded me SOOOOOOO much of the last time Gary talked to me. I remember that day like it was just yesterday. Some of the things that he said just are things I could never forget. I remember him having full on conversations with Dr. P (his oncologist) even though Dr. P was not even in his hospital. I remember him apologizing to me for just everything. Ever since he got sick Gary felt like he was a burden to me, and that couldn’t have been further from the truth. He knew that if the roles were reverse he would have done the same thing for me, granted he’d quickly point out that he wouldn’t have done as great as a job as I had done. It’s that apology that Phil did that really hit home to me. It’s almost like when you are dying you kinda know its coming without really KNOWING its coming and you start making peace.
The other part of the show that really hit me and is really why I named this post the way I did was the moment when Josh got “THE” call from the hospital. At least he was awake when he got the call. But man that’s a moment he’ll never be able to forget because the moment I got the call about Gary is a moment I’ll never be able to forget. I could relive it and tell it in so much detail its crazy. There are things that I’d LOVE nothing more than to forget and me getting that call is probably one of them. That rush of adrenaline that I got was absolutely insane and quite frankly, I hope I never have to have another rush like that one. Anyone that has ever gotten a call like that knows that its something that lives with you forever. It’s not something you can ever forget.
Over the hump
I’m officially over that half way through the year hump. Am I glad? Hell yeah! I’m very impressed with myself that yesterday was actually a not so bad day. Yeah at 7:10am I was reminded of everything that went down 6 months ago but I never shed a tear. I remembered Gary and went on with my day like it was any other day. That’s totally what he would have wanted me to do too. He was never big on dwelling on what a day meant. Whether it be a stupid holiday like Valentine’s Day or even a birthday, to Gary a day was just a day.
What I learned yesterday……you really need to appreciate each and every day that you are given because you are NOT guaranteed a tomorrow. So why bother being depressed? Would you really want to be sad on your last day on earth? I know I don’t want to, so that’s why I chose NOT to be sad yesterday. And I’ll continue with that thinking because I full on know how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away from you.
Half a year = Today
Half a year, poof gone, never to get that time back EVER. Would I want to go back to where I was 6 months ago, no I wouldn’t. Why? Because that was probably the worst day of my life so far. I remember that day like it was just yesterday. I remember being in bed and hitting snooze because I could sleep just a few more minutes. Any night that I was able to sleep without the phone ringing was a GOOD night, why would the morning of January 1st be any different? I remember sleeping and my heart jumping out of my chest as my cell phone started ringing at 6:30 that morning. I remember the nurse on the other line telling me to get to the hospital. She wouldn’t tell me what was going on, just to come as fast as I could.
I knew what that meant. I remember slipping and sliding across the pergo in my room trying to throw on clothes, any clothes. I didn’t care what I looked like. I remember running out to the living room to wake up my little brother that had spent the night with me as we rung in the new year in Gary’s ICU room. I remember running to the other side of the house where Gary’s mom was sleeping and waking her up and having her fall off of her bed because I freaked her out. I remember calling my mom to tell her I was on my way to the hospital and texting my friends to tell them what I was doing too.
I remember arriving at the hospital and parking by the ER only to quickly get our ID stickers and run as fast as we could down the hall to get to the elevators in the main lobby. I remember how slow those elevators felt that morning. I remember running down the hall of the 3rd floor to get to ICU. I got to Gary’s room, the lights were all on. The curtains were closed shut. There were a bunch of people inside. One of the nice ladies that I’d run into every day in the ICU saw me rush in and came to console me immediately. She found a chair for me so that I could sit right outside of the room. I remember crying hysterically because I knew what they were doing. They were trying to bring Gary back to life.
I remember the ER doctor that was tending to him come out and tell me that they’d perform cpr for 30 minutes and then they’d have to stop. Those were the longest 30 minutes of my life. I remember sitting there in my chair with my little brother sitting next to me on the floor holding my hand. I remember crying and covering my face hoping to shield any bad news. I remember hearing them call the time and I knew he was gone. At 7:10 on January 1st, 2010 Gary was declared to be dead.
I remember that same ER doc come out of the room only to tell me what I didn’t want to hear. I remember screaming when she told me the news. The rest of the day seemed like a blur. I was taken from place to place. I remember seeing Gary’s lifeless body. How cold he was. I remember us bringing in some kind of a priest to pray for him. We were surrounded by our family and one of Gary’s coworkers, Amanda. I remember walking out to the waiting room to go give Mikey a hug only to find so many of my friends there to support me in my time of need. I’m still in awe of every single one of them that got up so very early to come be with me. Knowing that the majority of them had young ones at home, they put aside their motherly duties to be there for a friend in need. For that I’m forever grateful to every single one of them.
I remember being whisked away to go look at funeral homes to find THE perfect place for Gary. I remember later that afternoon sitting on my couch in what now seemed to be my empty house with family around me and noticing the time. The FSU bowl game was on, it was Bowden’s last game. We were looking forward to watching that game together. I remember flipping the channel to attempt to watch it, saw the score and someone grabbed the remote from my hands as they saw tears roll down my cheeks.
So I wouldn’t go back in time to 6 months ago no matter how much money someone gave to me. What happened then made me a much stronger individual. I thought I was strong enough getting Gary through cancer and chemo, but its amazing how much stronger you can become when you are faced with death.
The half way mark starts N.O.W!
And a HUGE UGH!!!!!!
Sixth months ago today was Christmas Eve. I was working from home because Gary wasn’t feeling so great plus it was a short day at work anyways so it all worked out. We had been invited by our good friend Melanie and Abel to spend Christmas Eve with their family once again, just like we had for the two previous years. All day long I kept asking Gary if he felt up to going because it was his call to make. Ultimately he decided that we would go and try to make the best of it. Gary had a BLAST at the party. Even though he wasn’t feeling 100% he felt well enough to play RockBand. I was watching most of the time while he jammed on the drums and at one point someone was getting tired of playing guitar so he asked me if I wanted to play. That was the last time we played a video game together. UGH!
I remember having to drag Gary out of their house because he was having so much fun socializing. Once we got to the car I could see how tired he really was. He pushed himself too much. We got home and he was so beat that he couldn’t help me bring Mikey’s gifts from the garage to place under the tree, ya know since Santa was coming to our house.
Six months ago today, Gary put Mikey to bed for the last time in his life. Had I known that I would have cherished that moment so much then, but I didn’t know. He loved that little boy so very much.
Half a year since my happy family was happy and together and happy because we were together. It feels like it was just yesterday.
Day 5 of 21
Years ago I heard the saying that it takes 21 days to build a habit. The habit I’m trying to rebuild is getting myself back to the gym. I haven’t been a gym goer since before Mikey was born. Shoot actually it was before I got pregnant really. Dealing with Mikey’s torticollis and then Gary’s real cancer diagnosis well makes sense that I’ve put MY health on the back burner, until now. A few months ago I bought a jogging stroller in hopes of avoiding going back to the gym. Figured since I wanted to train for a half marathon it was the wisest purchase. Well it was great up until the rainy season kicked in down here. Nothing sucks more than getting home from work hoping to go on your hour walk/jog and you can’t because its raining out.
Because of that I decided to rejoin the gym. I was reluctant at first because after Mikey was about a year old Gary and I tried going back to the gym and we even enrolled Mikey in their Kids Klub (yes they spell club with a “K”). But he totally freaked out there because of all of the older kids running and screaming around. So I signed us up for a month to month membership that way I could try it out for him. Low and behold he LOVES the Kids Klub. Which is great because I can get a good hour’s worth of a workout in.
So I’ve been at it for 5 official days. Been going 4x a week. I plan on counting the 21 days based on actual days that I can get myself to the gym, not calendar days, that would be cheating myself. I HAVE to do this not only for myself but for Mikey. I owe it to him. I’m his only parent now and he needs me to be around to see him grow up and have kids of his own. That means making sure I take care of myself so that I can do that for him.
Dreams of daddy
I don’t know how we got on the topic of daddy while on our way to the gym today but from the backseat of my car I start hearing Mikey talking about daddy. Specifically how he wants to find him. Ouch, talk for a stab in the heart!!!!
For the past 5.5 months I’ve been telling him that his daddy is in heaven with the moon and the stars and he’ll forever be in his heart. Mikey apparently is a smart little boy and realizes that its possible to go up to the moon and stars if you had a rocket ship. So he insisted on going in a rocket ship to go to daddy so that he could play with him. Because he REALLY wanted to play with his daddy. So to try to calm his whining I decided to ask him if he played with daddy in his dreams and he of course said yes. I doubt Mikey knows what dreams are, but its was comforting to think that he was playing with Gary in his dreams. I then proceeded to ask him what he did with daddy. Go figure, he remembers playing guitar hero with Gary so that was one of the first things he mentioned. He said that he played guitar and also the drums. He also mentioned playing with the bouncy ball. So I asked if he played soccer and basketball with him and he enthusiastically said yes.
I can only hope that this little boy *is* having dreams of his daddy. I’m doing my best to try to preserve whatever memories he could have of his daddy. It won’t be easy since he’s so young and the odds are against me from the get go, but I can only hope that our angel upstairs is doing his hardest to help me out in that department.
This month can now end
I’ve made it 20 days into June and I’m done with the month. Today just tops it off with it being Father’s Day. I did surprisingly well most of the day. Yesterday we planted a beautiful crape myrtle tree with white flowers in the back yard in memory of Gary for Father’s Day. This morning I took Mikey to see the new Toy Story 3 movie. For those people that didn’t know Gary he was a HUGE Pixar fan. HUGE is an understatement really. He had friends that worked at Pixar and envied them because they were doing something he just dreamed of doing. So it was kind of ironic that of all weekend for this new Pixar movie to come out it had to be this weekend. It’s almost like Gary was showing me a sign or something.
So we went, and we enjoyed the movie. Went home and I had an art project for us. I wanted to do a stepping stone that will be placed in front of our new tree. So Mikey and I worked on that, it’ll take 2 days to completely dry up so I won’t be able to take pics of it just yet, would rather post pictures of the final product
As the day went on it started to hit me. I guess keeping myself busy had kept me from absorbing the fact that today is Father’s Day. It would have been the first one that Gary would have heard Mikey say the words Happy Father’s Day. I’m sad for my son more than myself. For the rest of his life he will not have a father to wish a Happy Father’s Day to. He got robbed from enjoying buying his daddy all of the tacky Father’s Day gifts and doing all of those daddy and me events. So on this Father’s Day I am sad for my son because he doesn’t realize it right now but he had the best father in the world and now he’s gone and there is nothing I can do to fix that. 
P.S. Doesn’t help that I had the Disney Channel on and of all nights they picked TONIGHT to air Pixar Short films. Gary always found these to be hilarious. Ironic? Some weird coincidence? Or someone from above slightly interfering here??
A recent widow and single mom doing my best to survive on my own.
Last year I told Gary that I'd raise $1k at the 2010 walk, please help me reach my goal. This year Gary is one of the Honored Heroes for the walk so its even extra special to me. :) Just click on the Sponsor Me image to be taken to my fundraising page. Thank you!!!
Help me get to my 1st Half Marathon in Walt Disney World where I will run in memory of Gary :)
