Anger towards the dead
Sounds messed up right? How could someone possibly be mad at someone that died? Well I’m here to tell you its very possible, and very very very REAL. It’s a feeling that has overcome me a few times in the last 6+ months. Today was one of those days when I got really mad at Gary for leaving. Kind cowardly if you look at it from my point of view. I knew Gary pretty well and he was never one to just give up. N.E.V.E.R!!!!!!!!
Logically I know that his body just couldn’t take it anymore, but I’ve watched my fair share of movies with people debating on whether to walk toward that comforting white light or go back to their body and well ummmm W.T.F!!!! How could he have chosen that light? Did he not see me freaking out outside of his room? How could he possibly think that *I* could raise Michael on my own? I mean I have no doubt that I can do it, because quite frankly I do NOT have a choice, but still knowing that his father left him when he was 2 and how he didn’t want to repeat that himself, how could he do that to us?
Like I said logically I know Gary didn’t have a choice here. But man if you were in my shoes you still can’t help but get angry from time to time. I totally blame it on the entertainment world for conveying heaven the way they do to all of us. 
Lack of S.L.E.E.P
Boy have I forgotten what it was like to be a zombie during the day because you were up at the weirdest hours of the night. I used to never complain about Mikey’s sleeping habits because he was always a GREAT sleeper. That’s definitely something we lucked out on. All of a sudden though…..he’s a horrible sleeper. For the past 2 weeks he has started putting up a fight going down for bed. Not a huge fight, he just insists on having mommy stay with him. Almost like he’s afraid I’m going somewhere. That turned into him waking up around 3am EVERY SINGLE DAY! Except for the weekend where he would wake up at 5am instead. Woohoo I got an extra 2 hours!
He’s been back at it this week. Some days its 3am, others its 4. Last night, however, he woke up twice. At 1am and then again at 4am! Since he’s in the toddler bed he can easily climb out and run to my room. Can I say heartattack!!!! Because he’s been doing this for the past 2 weeks its been interrupting my sleep. I’m finding that I’m waking up before he comes storming into my room. So I’m never hitting deep sleep.
Last week I thought it were monsters so we made a sign for his door to keep the monsters out and a concocted some spray with lavender oil and water that we spray around his room to keep them away. It worked for 1 night! My latest attempt is a sound machine. Maybe there are some noises going on outside his room in the middle of the night so I’m hoping this will keep him in bed. That’s tonight’s experiment and I really really hope it works. I NEED to sleep or else I’m going to start getting sick and fast.
If that doesn’t work my next attempt will be at room darkening curtains. I’m really hoping I don’t have to resort to that, but I’m not too optimistic about the sound machine. I have a feeling the curtains will be ordered tomorrow
Today I got to thinking that maybe this fear that mommy is going to leave has something to do with the fact that maybe he’s putting two and two together and realizing that daddy is not coming back and he’s afraid that mommy will do the same. I mean in his little head one day he was awake and daddy was there and when he went home and went to sleep daddy was gone…forever. He has no concept that mommy won’t do the same thing. If this is the case none of my little tricks will end up working and I’ll have to probably see a child psychologist to see what I can do to reassure him that mommy isn’t going anywhere.
The half way mark starts N.O.W!
And a HUGE UGH!!!!!!
Sixth months ago today was Christmas Eve. I was working from home because Gary wasn’t feeling so great plus it was a short day at work anyways so it all worked out. We had been invited by our good friend Melanie and Abel to spend Christmas Eve with their family once again, just like we had for the two previous years. All day long I kept asking Gary if he felt up to going because it was his call to make. Ultimately he decided that we would go and try to make the best of it. Gary had a BLAST at the party. Even though he wasn’t feeling 100% he felt well enough to play RockBand. I was watching most of the time while he jammed on the drums and at one point someone was getting tired of playing guitar so he asked me if I wanted to play. That was the last time we played a video game together. UGH!
I remember having to drag Gary out of their house because he was having so much fun socializing. Once we got to the car I could see how tired he really was. He pushed himself too much. We got home and he was so beat that he couldn’t help me bring Mikey’s gifts from the garage to place under the tree, ya know since Santa was coming to our house.
Six months ago today, Gary put Mikey to bed for the last time in his life. Had I known that I would have cherished that moment so much then, but I didn’t know. He loved that little boy so very much.
Half a year since my happy family was happy and together and happy because we were together. It feels like it was just yesterday.
Oasis Vacation Recap
Ok so this is gonna shock most of my readers I’m actually going to post something totally not cancer or widow related. Eeeeeeek hope I don’t bore you all
So last Saturday Mikey and I boarded the very beautiful and massive Oasis of the Seas. I work for Royal Caribbean so I’ve been hearing about this ship since they started bragging that they were going bigger than the Freedom Class. I was able to tour it back in November when it came to Ft. Lauderdale but wasn’t allowed to take any pictures because of the press. No biggie, I knew I’d be going on it eventually, low and behold I never imagine it would be this soon.
I’ll be honest when they first talked about this massive ship I thought, it’s going to be WAY too big of a ship, but honestly it’s just perfect. I’m so glad I picked this ship to be Mikey’s first cruise, granted it’ll be a tad hard to top this one. Oh well! There are just so many features that made it so easy to travel with a 2.5 year old. His favorite spot was the Carousel on The Boardwalk. I actually had a room with a balcony that practically overlooked the carousel. Could not get much better than that!
The H2O zone was also a favorite of ours. Our morning ritual would be to get up, eat breakfast, possibly play golf, watch either the surfers or boogie boarders, and then hit the pool. The pool thing was a little testing for me because Mikey isn’t completely potty trained and in order to really enjoy the entire H2O zone he could not be in swim diapers. So every 30-45 min I’d take him to the bathroom and he’d go. We had no accidents at all. So huge kudos to both of us! 
We did venture to the dining room on one night. I wanted Mikey to experience it plus it was the Venetian Feast night. Hello jumbo shrimp, caprese salad, and my favorite dessert….Tiramisu!!! It was definitely an experience going into the dining room with Mikey but it wasn’t horrible. He ate his mac n cheese and I had my yummy food. Afterward we went to the Aqua Theater because they were playing Wall-E on the big screens. So dinner and a movie with probably THE cutest guy on the ship
As for the ports, they were just ok. Our favorite was probably our first port, Labadee. Can’t go wrong with a beach day with free food since everything is Royal Caribbean owned. Before heading back to the ship I picked up my first and only drink a Coco Loco. Yummmm! Our other two ports, Costa Maya and Cozumel were ok. We did do some shopping in those ports but only at shops that were close to the ship. I just didn’t feel safe going alone with Mikey anywhere in Mexico. Don’t want people seeing a pic of Mikey and me on the news because we’ve gone missing ya know!?!?!?
Overall it was a fantastic trip. I honestly didn’t think it would go so smoothly but it did. I’m impressed with myself for being able to do something that really would have been made easier had I had someone else there to help me out. Sorry didn’t mean to toot my own horn I’m already thinking about our next cruise
Mommy and Son Solo Vacay *eeeek*
For awhile now I’ve wanted to go on a cruise. It’s been almost 2 years since my last one and you’d think that working for a cruiseline I’d be going on them more often. Well obviously that’s not the case. One thing that I knew Gary would want me to do is live my life and travel with Mikey because that was our plan. So I put several cruise requests for only the biggest cruise ship in the world, the Oasis of the Seas. I did not think I’d get on any time soon but I was royally surprised when I got approved well over a week in advance, THAT never happens! It’s almost like we were meant to go on this cruise.
I’ll admit I’m a little scared about going on a cruise ship alone with Mikey. I have NO idea how its going to go, but I’ll be finding out in just under a day because we leave TOMORROW!!!! I got us a very very cool Boardwalk view room with a balcony overlooking the carousel. Yes you read that right a carousel! This ship has so amazing things that I don’t think Mikey and I will get bored. So as scared as I am to go on my first solo vacation with my little man, I’m also extremely excited. This is a new unknown for us.
Proud of my Mikey
A few months ago I’ll never forget picking up Mikey on a Friday afternoon and getting their weekly “gram” that said that Mikey was the Student of the Week for his class. I couldn’t contain myself and wait the 10 minutes to get home so I called up Gary immediately to tell him the news, he was sooooooo happy. So happy that Mikey got a special “prize” dessert of ice cream. Gary was sooooo excited that he even blogged about it…. you can read it here
Well I never expected Mikey to get Student of the Week again so soon but he did last Friday. Caught me by total surprise. This time he was Student of the Week because of how much he loves to draw. I’m not saying he loves to draw circles and lines like the rest of his classmates. My kid can D..R..A..W! He drew an octopus, that was also purple, he drew this dinosaur or dragon looking thing at home, but at school he drew the batman logo on the day that he happened to wear his batman t-shirt. He’s barely 2.5 he should not know how to draw like this, but he can. So because of that he got Student of the Week. I know Gary was smiling and beaming up from heaven when he heard that. Mikey totally got the artistic stuff from Gary, I just hope he get’s Gary’s brains too Not saying mommy isn’t smart, but daddy was definitely a smarty-pants and I wouldn’t mind Mikey being one too.
After shock comes guilt
Or at least it does for me.
I don’t even know where to start with this post. For the past 2.5 months I’ve been somewhat numb. Just “living” what is my new life without Gary. Just getting by. Acting strong to everyone, while even surprising myself at times. That was the shock phase apparently and to me the next stage that has hit is guilt.
Guilt that I wish I would have screamed out to tell Gary that I can’t do this without him while they were performing cpr on him. Maybe just maybe he would have heard my screams and said “Ok I’ll keep fighting”.
Guilt that I left at 12:30am on New Year’s Day even though he wasn’t doing that well to go home and sleep so that I can have energy to spend the next day with him.
Guilt that I didn’t take him to the hospital sooner.
Guilt that I let us attempt to live a normal life after he was done with chemo, even though his immune system wasn’t back to normal.
Guilt that I didn’t tell Gary that I loved him every single day that I was with him.
Guilt that we won’t grow old together.
Guilt in the fact that I get to enjoy seeing our beautiful little MIkey grow up and Gary is missing all of this. How he would have loved hearing half of the things that comes out of Mikey’s mouth now. I get to see how much Mikey’s face lights up when he sees pictures of Gary or how he has this huge grin when I replay Gary’s voicemail greeting. I wish he was here to enjoy this, for us to be our little family again, a wish no one can ever grant me unfortunately. I’d have better luck at winning the lottery at this point.
Oh the guilt, this phase, S-U-C-K-S. I cry in bed every night because of the guilt I feel. People can tell me that I was the best wife and did everything I could. And I know that, but I still feel that guilt. I know its a phase, and I know it’ll pass. I hate everything about this new life of mine. The emptiness I feel is so much more real now than it was 2.5 months ago when I lost Gary, and that is probably why this phase is kicking my ass.
“Mommy is Sad”
Remember how I said I was getting ready to do a big redecorating project? Well I left work to go straight to my house to meet with a painter to tell him what colors I wanted where because he starts TOMORROW. My mom had the pleasure of picking up Mikey from daycare for me and brought him to my house and she asked me if I was sad this morning. I said no, why? She said, because Mikey said you were sad. And then he turned around and said, Yeah Mommy is Sad.
I’ll be honest I haven’t been sad since ummmm Sunday but its crazy that he is so in tune with my emotions. The kid is only 2 and even he knows me better than MYSELF!
One “holiday” down, more to go
Gary and I never really considered Valentine’s Day a holiday. As Gary would call it by what should really be its name “Hallmark Day”. Saturday night was rough on me emotionally because it hit me that I was going to wake up in the morning and there wouldn’t be a present thoughtfully placed out in the kitchen for me to find like we always did for each other on days like Hallmark Day. My mom saw how depressed I was that she gave me her gift to me a little early. She got me the open heart angel from Kay’s, it looks like this:
When I saw it in the magazine a few weeks ago I knew I had to have it since I truly believe Gary is our angel watching over us. So it was just perfect.
Well yesterday came and yesterday went. I cannot be happier that the stupid holiday is over and done with. My mom surprised me with a HUGE bouquet of 24 yellow and red roses. It was beautiful and very thoughtful. In a way once again when I needed to be distracted the most, Mikey helped by being sick again. So thanks to that this three day weekend has gone by without be being so horribly depressed.
Next big event is looming in just 10 days, what would have been Gary’s 34th birthday. 
Even if Mikey ended up being sick I don’t think that will be distraction enough on that day.
Full on Redecorating Mode :)
I’m in full-on redecorating mode and I’m actually excited about it. Geee excited about something, that’s kind of a cool feeling especially after the crappy 1.5 months into 2010 we already are. Well about a week ago I had the bright idea of changing some stuff in our house before I officially move back in with Mikey. So here are my plans. It sounds like a lot but it really isn’t, just a lot of steps involved:
Master Bedroom:
- New Bedding – CHECK
- Paint Room
- Possible new window treatments
Mikey’s NEW Surfer Room (aka our old office)
- Paint Room
- Rip up carpet and put pergo down
- New window treatments
- New Bedding – CHECK
- Mount Gary’s old surfboard to wall
- Add shelf to closet
The New Office (aka Mikey’s old room)
- Remove border from walls
- Paint Room
See it looks like a lot, but it really really isn’t.
A recent widow and single mom doing my best to survive on my own.
Last year I told Gary that I'd raise $1k at the 2010 walk, please help me reach my goal. This year Gary is one of the Honored Heroes for the walk so its even extra special to me. :) Just click on the Sponsor Me image to be taken to my fundraising page. Thank you!!!
Help me get to my 1st Half Marathon in Walt Disney World where I will run in memory of Gary :)
