Crappy == Today

Posted by Sammy on Jan 19th, 2010 | no comments

As Gary would state in his programmer jargon Crappy == Today. Or is it Today == Crappy? Eh it shouldn’t matter right? Where do I start. Well I woke up beyond exhausted because not only did I take nyquil for my crappy cold last night but I also took an anti anxiety pill because my mind wouldn’t stop going. Boy did I sleep though! I still went to work even feeling crappy. I get there to go into a meeting first thing to find out that a coworker of mine is in ICU and is intubated. That’s exactly what I needed to hear. Immediately my mind goes to Gary and what happened with him. I hope to god that my coworker is able to recover.

The day didn’t get much better from there. I went home for lunch. Cooked my first meal at home. Go me! I checked the mail as I was heading back to the office and in the mailbox on top of the stack sat my $255 death benefit check form Social Security. Thanks fella’s that’s just what I needed today of all days. Definitely not gonna spend that all in one place!

I went back to work and finally got all of the info I needed from my HR regarding getting Mikey and I put on my health and dental insurance. Then all of the paperwork to roll Gary’s 401k into mine. And so forth. Fun stuff. My mind was overwhelmed and by 3pm I had enough. I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t think straight. I was spent. So I left.

I picked up Mikey and headed to the beach to my parent’s restaurant. As soon as I get there my cell rings. Who is it? The funeral home. They were NOT supposed to call me at all. They dialed my number by accident. I told the guy its ok just go ahead and tell me what you have to say, nothing can be worse than the day I’ve had. Ummmmm boy was I wrong.

He told me that there is still no signed death certificate from the medical examiner. They apparently have requested to review Gary’s medical records and told the funeral home to call them back tomorrow. This is a process that should only take about a week at most. To get the death certificate signed by the doctor at the hospital and then the medical examiner should take a week, we are going on almost 3 full weeks! Un-fucking-believable! So my poor sweet Gary’s body is in limbo. He can’t be cremated until the medical examiner signs off. There is a possibility that they can ask to review his body so it could potentially take even longer!

I don’t know how much more of this I can take? I just want this part of the process to be done. I’m not asking for too much am I? It’s hard enough to know that my sweet Gary’s body is going to be turned into ashes, and I’m in no means ready for that but my heart hurts knowing that his body is lying around somewhere just waiting for the inevitable to happen.

So yeah today has been the epitome of crappiness. Tomorrow has got to be a better day.

Signs, Signs Everywhere

Posted by Sammy on Jan 16th, 2010 | 5 comments

Before Gary passed away I never really believed in signs from the dead, or seeing ghosts. Gary was BIG on stuff like this. He had told me that when he was younger he had seen and interacted with ghosts. Well I haven’t seen any ghosts yet, although right now I’d LOVE to. So sweetie if you are reading my blog, can I please see you????

Ok back to the topic of this post, I truly now believe in this stuff. I believe in signs now. Maybe its just my imagination, but you know what I’ll gladly take it. The first sign I got was the day he died. Sorry if I’ve already told this specific story. When we were looking at funeral homes my aunt that was looking with us had to use the restroom at one of the places we visited. She came back to the office RAVING about how clean their bathroom was and to top it off they had lotion for your hands. As soon as she told me that I looked at everyone and said, Gary would have loved that! He was big on clean bathrooms while he was on chemo. If a place we were at had a sketchy bathroom we wouldn’t stay, and if they had lotion, well you better believe Gary RAVED about it. This ended up being the funeral home we picked. And they did a fabulous job with his services too. As depressing as the event was, I know Gary would have been happy with how it turned out.

This past week I’ve gotten weird signs, once again, probably just my mind saying its a sign, but whatever. Earlier this week when I got into my fabulous rental car since my car is in the shop I turned the car on and the song on the radio was Faithfully by Journey. OUR song! I sat there and just sighed. I hear that song and I quickly am reminded of our wedding day, dancing our first dance together. Such a happy time in our lives. A few days later I was at lunch with some coworkers and I could barely hear the music but it was just loud enough for me to hear the song Rain from Creed. Gary had blogged about that song about how it touched him and I felt like it was his way of saying that he was watching over me.

Then today, I was at the bank with my dad setting up Mikey’s bank account for his Social Security checks and the lady we were working with had her radio on. What came on the radio? Journey’s Faithfully, again! I’m telling you, I have not heard that song THIS many times in just a 2 week period. Just so happens I decided to open a money market account and maybe it was Gary’s way of saying, good decision sweetie. He was our household CFO so to know that he was approving of the money decisions *I* make, that brings me some comfort.

Your marriage ended!

Posted by Sammy on Jan 11th, 2010 | 2 comments

So today was my appointment with Social Security. I forgot what a hell hole that place is. The last time I went was back in 2004 when we still lived in Tallahassee and I needed to do my official name change. Thank god I had an appointment or else I would have waited F-O-R-E-V-E-R! I waited about 20 minutes to be called back and the entire appointment took about another 20-30 minutes. I’ll never forget that appointment because as Matt Logelin had told me the Social Security employees are VERY robotic. Boy was he right. The lady I got the audacity to tell me straight to my face “Your marriage ended on January 1st, 2010″ Ummmmm no shit sherlock! But I don’t need your sorry ass to tell me or remind me that my husband is D-E-A-D!!!!! Seriously? Can you not be any nicer than that???? Have a bit of compassion, or shoot a tad of sensitivity? I understand they see this a lot but come on you don’t have to be THAT cold!

On the bright side I’ll be getting some kind of benefit. My whopping $255! Wooohoooo maybe I’ll buy myself a fancy shmancy Coach purse with that. LOL

Mikey will be getting something monthly though, and since he’s a minor I’ll have to sign for it which means I have to create a checking account in his name. Just what I need yet ANOTHER checking account to manage. Whatever not gonna complain I’ll take whatever is owed to Mikey, ummmm I mean us.

Already forced to think of how we’ll survive

Posted by Sammy on Jan 5th, 2010 | one comment

Almost immediately after Gary passed the thought of how the hell Mikey and I will be able to survive without him started crossing my mind. We lost 75% of our household income! I know I’m not the only person that has ever had to be in this position but so many things start crossing your mind. Stuff like how the hell am I going to pay the mortgage for the house we are upside down on. I know we’ll need a lawyer to go through probate because there are things I don’t think he ever put my name on, specifically some bank accounts.

I’m writing this while on hold with Social Security. Apparently you need to jump on calling them because they won’t gladly give you social security benefits retroactively. Go figure right? I never even thought I’d be eligible for this but apparently I’ll not only get something for myself but Mikey will get something too until he’s about 21 (I think). Crazy to even think I’m having to deal with Social Security at my age but honestly I’ll take whatever I can. Just in case anyone else ever has to deal with this here’s the link specifically dealing with death benefits: http://www.socialsecurity.gov/survivorplan/howtoapply3.htm