Life Sucks!

Posted by Sammy on Mar 18th, 2010 | 7 comments

Every bit of my life just fucking sucks. I have cried just about ever single night since being back home. Not because its weird being back home. I LOVE being back home. This is OUR home. I feel comfortable here. I find myself crying after Mikey goes to bed. Usually when I’m attempting to wind down. Instead of relaxing (like I should) watching TV after he goes to bed I start going on somewhat of a scavenger hunt around my house. Perusing boxes and drawers. What am I looking for? I’m looking for two things. One is the DVD with the photos of our last family photo session that we took on Mother’s Day last year before Gary started chemo. I have the case the photos came in, but I can’t seem to find where this DVD is. I remember giving it to Gary and where it went after that, beats me. I have no clue. Thankfully I have all of the photos saved on my pc so I can burn a dvd myself, but ya know, its not the same. I want THAT one.

The other thing I’m looking for is this black and white surfing picture of Gary. He actually used it to woo me over 11 years ago I have the picture saved digitally but I’d like the original too. I know its somewhere because at some point I had scanned it in for our wedding but beats me where the hell its gone since then. That was 5 years ago! I know eventually he’ll help me find what I’m looking for but man does it suck when you have your mind set on finding something and your mind in a way is getting in your way from finding it.

In my hunt I came across some cards from Gary. I tore my room up the other night looking for any kind of card from him and couldn’t find a damn one. But tonight I found 3 of them personally from him to me with a beautiful note in each one. Each one just broke my heart, almost like the analogy of pouring salt into an open wound. Yeah that was me. Pouring salt into my open wound, my heart. All of these cards were ones that he wrote me last year between Valentines, oops I meant Hallmark Day, and the last one was for our 5th wedding anniversary. The things he said brought me more tears today than they did the day he wrote them, because those cards he actually wrote from his heart. It wasn’t the cheesy, I love you type message. It was messages like “You are my rock”. Or him thanking me for pushing him to find out what the hell is wrong with him. Or the one line that hurt me the most tonight was him saying how he realized that he has so much to live for and he is going to give this fight all that he’s got because he’s got so many memories to make with us.

So on the eve of Gary being gone for exactly 11 week (yeah it’ll be 11 weeks tomorrow morning at 7:10am), I wanted to say that right now I’m more of a mess than I was 11 weeks ago when I lost him and I’m more alone than I was 11 weeks ago when I lost him. Whereas everyone else’s lives have gone on, mine hasn’t. Mine remains in shambles.

After shock comes guilt

Posted by Sammy on Mar 17th, 2010 | one comment

Or at least it does for me.

I don’t even know where to start with this post. For the past 2.5 months I’ve been somewhat numb. Just “living” what is my new life without Gary. Just getting by. Acting strong to everyone, while even surprising myself at times. That was the shock phase apparently and to me the next stage that has hit is guilt.

Guilt that I wish I would have screamed out to tell Gary that I can’t do this without him while they were performing cpr on him. Maybe just maybe he would have heard my screams and said “Ok I’ll keep fighting”.

Guilt that I left at 12:30am on New Year’s Day even though he wasn’t doing that well to go home and sleep so that I can have energy to spend the next day with him.

Guilt that I didn’t take him to the hospital sooner.

Guilt that I let us attempt to live a normal life after he was done with chemo, even though his immune system wasn’t back to normal.

Guilt that I didn’t tell Gary that I loved him every single day that I was with him.

Guilt that we won’t grow old together.

Guilt in the fact that I get to enjoy seeing our beautiful little MIkey grow up and Gary is missing all of this. How he would have loved hearing half of the things that comes out of Mikey’s mouth now. I get to see how much Mikey’s face lights up when he sees pictures of Gary or how he has this huge grin when I replay Gary’s voicemail greeting. I wish he was here to enjoy this, for us to be our little family again, a wish no one can ever grant me unfortunately. I’d have better luck at winning the lottery at this point.

Oh the guilt, this phase, S-U-C-K-S. I cry in bed every night because of the guilt I feel. People can tell me that I was the best wife and did everything I could. And I know that, but I still feel that guilt. I know its a phase, and I know it’ll pass. I hate everything about this new life of mine. The emptiness I feel is so much more real now than it was 2.5 months ago when I lost Gary, and that is probably why this phase is kicking my ass.

One Month!

Posted by Sammy on Feb 1st, 2010 | one comment

Yup you read that right, one full month gone…….poof just like that. I couldn’t fall asleep last night because I was afraid to wake up this morning and go through my routine of seeing the time and thinking back onto what happened a month ago. So I resorted to one of my anti-anxiety pills and as usual that thing knocked me out. Not a bad thing honestly! Well just so happens there was no reliving the whole 6:30am time or the 7:10am time this morning because at 3am Mikey woke up with a 102 fever. He had been battling some virus since Friday night. The fevers would go up and then go back down. So at 3am I got him juice and a nice dose of motrin and then we both went back to sleep. As soon as he woke up with a fever I knew there was no way in hell I was taking him to daycare today so I didn’t bother.

My alarm went off at 6am like it usually does during the week and I just turned it off and went back to bed. The next time I looked at the time was at 8:30am when Mikey decided it was time to wake up for the day. I’m so thankful he waited that long because I totally missed the whole month-a-versary. No reliving the moments that happened exactly a month ago. So in a way I’m happy that Mikey woke up with a fever this morning, because it totally threw things off in a good way.

But it doesn’t mean that today wasn’t hard for me. It was hard. Every moment of February 1st was hard. I expect this entire month to be very very hard on me. I not only get to go through Valentine’s Day or what Gary would call it Hallmark Day all alone with no more cheesey Hallmark cards from him but 11 days later I get to deal with his birthday. We had high hopes to be celebrating his birthday on board a cruise ship since every birthday post-chemo would be a HUGE deal, but never again.

The hardest thing about today was seeing my 2yr old pick up my cell phone and attempt at a conversation with his daddy. If that doesn’t break your heart then I don’t know what would. I’ve told this to several people this last month, but if someone said “cut off your arm and you can have Gary back”, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Even if that trade was for just one minute, I’d jump at it. But I’ll never get that kind of an opportunity because he’s gone for good. I’m definitely still in the shock phase of grief because even though I know what really happened, part of me just can’t believe its real.