His Happily Ever After
From time to time I go onto the Widow boards that I used to frequent early on in this new journey of mine. I have drifted away from those boards because a lot of the time they are too depressing to read. So much hurt and pain in lots of posts and I just don’t feel like I need to surround myself with all of that sadness anymore.
Well today I ventured on the widow boards just to do a quick glance and see if there was anything interesting to read, sometimes there really is something non-depressing to read. I came across a post from a lady that is dating a guy and this guy basically came out and told her that he felt like she was his Happily Ever After, his Once In A Lifetime. Beautiful words to say to someone. It basically freaked her out to hear that come from his mouth.
The first person to reply to her post basically told her to look at it this way, she was her late husband’s Happily Ever After. His Once in a Lifetime. And when you think of it that way, one word…..WOW! You take such a morbid and horrible event and you put a positive spin on it. How would anyone not want to have *THAT* at the time they die? I know I want that Happily Ever After when I die. That’s probably why I’ve chosen to make each and every day of my life right now a happy one because quite frankly I don’t know if I’ll be here. So until I find that Happily Ever After, well I’m going to be happy on my own 
Anger towards the dead
Sounds messed up right? How could someone possibly be mad at someone that died? Well I’m here to tell you its very possible, and very very very REAL. It’s a feeling that has overcome me a few times in the last 6+ months. Today was one of those days when I got really mad at Gary for leaving. Kind cowardly if you look at it from my point of view. I knew Gary pretty well and he was never one to just give up. N.E.V.E.R!!!!!!!!
Logically I know that his body just couldn’t take it anymore, but I’ve watched my fair share of movies with people debating on whether to walk toward that comforting white light or go back to their body and well ummmm W.T.F!!!! How could he have chosen that light? Did he not see me freaking out outside of his room? How could he possibly think that *I* could raise Michael on my own? I mean I have no doubt that I can do it, because quite frankly I do NOT have a choice, but still knowing that his father left him when he was 2 and how he didn’t want to repeat that himself, how could he do that to us?
Like I said logically I know Gary didn’t have a choice here. But man if you were in my shoes you still can’t help but get angry from time to time. I totally blame it on the entertainment world for conveying heaven the way they do to all of us. 
Running through the pain
I remember stories that Gary told me of the days when he’d run his marathons. He’d tell me about that wall that you hit where your body tells you no more but your mind basically has to fight with your body to keep you going. I won’t say that I can even come close to knowing that that is like……yet. But I’ll admit that I have thought about what it’s like to hit that proverbial wall and I wonder if I’ll hit it myself on my big 13.1 mile run come January.
Like I’ve said before I’m NOT a runner. Never have been so running at all is a BIG deal for me. Last week was my first week running. I am slowly easing into it by doing the Couch 2 5k program. Week 1 was a BREEZE, except for the fact that I learned that the sneakers I was using were BAD. REALLY BAD! They caused the arch of one of my feet to hurt like hell. I went to a running store and got something to help me with that pain as well as got them to size me up to the right shoes for my feet. Well worth the money!
Today was day 1 of week 2 of C25k and energy-wise I did great. I didn’t get out of breath or anything. My calves started hurting a little but by the time they’d get unbearable my running interval would switch to a walking one and they’d get all better. Once I was done with my 29 minute workout my calves were perfectly fine. But when they were hurting I’d focus straight at the tv’s even though I wasn’t really making sense of what was on. It was that focus that got me through the pain. In my head I tell myself that it really doesn’t hurt and that the pain I was experiencing was NOTHING compared to the pain Gary went through with chemo.
He is going to get me through my training……HE is going to get me through my half marathon! I will NOT let the pain bring me down.
My new adventure :)
I’m actually very excited about this too. When Gary was going through treatment he had told me about his friend, Josie, who was planning on running the Disney full marathon with Team in Training and wanted to run in honor of him. He was *so* moved by that. I actually got in touch with her shortly after to get more info on Team in Training because I thought it was such a great idea and I was interested in doing it myself once things calmed down with his health. I remember Gary telling me how when he was healthy enough he was going to train with Team in Training and run the Disney marathon himself, he used to be a long distance runner and ran a marathon or two back in the day.
So it was a no-brainer when I got the little postcard in the mail from Team in Training mentioning their info sessions for the upcoming winter season. Which just so happens to include the Disney marathon weekend. I immediately signed myself up for a session That session was this morning and I was so excited to go. Sooooooo excited. Being there and watching their little video just totally reassured me of the reason why I want to do this. I want to do this not only for Gary but for all of the others out there that are going through treatments for their blood cancer or those that will one day get diagnosed. I want a cure for this and like I’ve said before, whatever it takes from me I plan on doing it. So I filled out all of the paperwork and paid my registration fee so that I can run/walk (hopefully run) the Disney Half Marathon this coming January. It couldn’t be better timing either. I’ll be running my first half marathon EVER just days after the year anniversary of Gary’s death. Just thinking about the timing of all of it gives me chills.
I know people think I’m crazy for doing this but look at it from my perspective. I got to see my very healthy husband go from the pinnacle of health to someone that was gasping for air. I got to see him dwindle away to skin and bones while he was on his horrible treatment. I saw him cry when he was in pain….scream when things hurt…and pass out on the floor because his body just couldn’t keep him upright. At the time I felt helpless, now I know exactly how I can help. Yeah I can’t help Gary, but if he could put his life on the line in hopes of finding a cure for his very rare form of lymphoma well then the least I can do is put myself through a 6 month training program so that I can ultimately run 13.1 miles.
So stay tuned. I plan on posting updates. Training officially starts on August 14th Before then I’m hoping to have my website up so that I can start raising my money so that I can actually participate. I have a minimum that I have to raise in order to go in January so I can definitely use all of the help I can get.
Half a year = Today
Half a year, poof gone, never to get that time back EVER. Would I want to go back to where I was 6 months ago, no I wouldn’t. Why? Because that was probably the worst day of my life so far. I remember that day like it was just yesterday. I remember being in bed and hitting snooze because I could sleep just a few more minutes. Any night that I was able to sleep without the phone ringing was a GOOD night, why would the morning of January 1st be any different? I remember sleeping and my heart jumping out of my chest as my cell phone started ringing at 6:30 that morning. I remember the nurse on the other line telling me to get to the hospital. She wouldn’t tell me what was going on, just to come as fast as I could.
I knew what that meant. I remember slipping and sliding across the pergo in my room trying to throw on clothes, any clothes. I didn’t care what I looked like. I remember running out to the living room to wake up my little brother that had spent the night with me as we rung in the new year in Gary’s ICU room. I remember running to the other side of the house where Gary’s mom was sleeping and waking her up and having her fall off of her bed because I freaked her out. I remember calling my mom to tell her I was on my way to the hospital and texting my friends to tell them what I was doing too.
I remember arriving at the hospital and parking by the ER only to quickly get our ID stickers and run as fast as we could down the hall to get to the elevators in the main lobby. I remember how slow those elevators felt that morning. I remember running down the hall of the 3rd floor to get to ICU. I got to Gary’s room, the lights were all on. The curtains were closed shut. There were a bunch of people inside. One of the nice ladies that I’d run into every day in the ICU saw me rush in and came to console me immediately. She found a chair for me so that I could sit right outside of the room. I remember crying hysterically because I knew what they were doing. They were trying to bring Gary back to life.
I remember the ER doctor that was tending to him come out and tell me that they’d perform cpr for 30 minutes and then they’d have to stop. Those were the longest 30 minutes of my life. I remember sitting there in my chair with my little brother sitting next to me on the floor holding my hand. I remember crying and covering my face hoping to shield any bad news. I remember hearing them call the time and I knew he was gone. At 7:10 on January 1st, 2010 Gary was declared to be dead.
I remember that same ER doc come out of the room only to tell me what I didn’t want to hear. I remember screaming when she told me the news. The rest of the day seemed like a blur. I was taken from place to place. I remember seeing Gary’s lifeless body. How cold he was. I remember us bringing in some kind of a priest to pray for him. We were surrounded by our family and one of Gary’s coworkers, Amanda. I remember walking out to the waiting room to go give Mikey a hug only to find so many of my friends there to support me in my time of need. I’m still in awe of every single one of them that got up so very early to come be with me. Knowing that the majority of them had young ones at home, they put aside their motherly duties to be there for a friend in need. For that I’m forever grateful to every single one of them.
I remember being whisked away to go look at funeral homes to find THE perfect place for Gary. I remember later that afternoon sitting on my couch in what now seemed to be my empty house with family around me and noticing the time. The FSU bowl game was on, it was Bowden’s last game. We were looking forward to watching that game together. I remember flipping the channel to attempt to watch it, saw the score and someone grabbed the remote from my hands as they saw tears roll down my cheeks.
So I wouldn’t go back in time to 6 months ago no matter how much money someone gave to me. What happened then made me a much stronger individual. I thought I was strong enough getting Gary through cancer and chemo, but its amazing how much stronger you can become when you are faced with death.
The half way mark starts N.O.W!
And a HUGE UGH!!!!!!
Sixth months ago today was Christmas Eve. I was working from home because Gary wasn’t feeling so great plus it was a short day at work anyways so it all worked out. We had been invited by our good friend Melanie and Abel to spend Christmas Eve with their family once again, just like we had for the two previous years. All day long I kept asking Gary if he felt up to going because it was his call to make. Ultimately he decided that we would go and try to make the best of it. Gary had a BLAST at the party. Even though he wasn’t feeling 100% he felt well enough to play RockBand. I was watching most of the time while he jammed on the drums and at one point someone was getting tired of playing guitar so he asked me if I wanted to play. That was the last time we played a video game together. UGH!
I remember having to drag Gary out of their house because he was having so much fun socializing. Once we got to the car I could see how tired he really was. He pushed himself too much. We got home and he was so beat that he couldn’t help me bring Mikey’s gifts from the garage to place under the tree, ya know since Santa was coming to our house.
Six months ago today, Gary put Mikey to bed for the last time in his life. Had I known that I would have cherished that moment so much then, but I didn’t know. He loved that little boy so very much.
Half a year since my happy family was happy and together and happy because we were together. It feels like it was just yesterday.
Dreams of daddy
I don’t know how we got on the topic of daddy while on our way to the gym today but from the backseat of my car I start hearing Mikey talking about daddy. Specifically how he wants to find him. Ouch, talk for a stab in the heart!!!!
For the past 5.5 months I’ve been telling him that his daddy is in heaven with the moon and the stars and he’ll forever be in his heart. Mikey apparently is a smart little boy and realizes that its possible to go up to the moon and stars if you had a rocket ship. So he insisted on going in a rocket ship to go to daddy so that he could play with him. Because he REALLY wanted to play with his daddy. So to try to calm his whining I decided to ask him if he played with daddy in his dreams and he of course said yes. I doubt Mikey knows what dreams are, but its was comforting to think that he was playing with Gary in his dreams. I then proceeded to ask him what he did with daddy. Go figure, he remembers playing guitar hero with Gary so that was one of the first things he mentioned. He said that he played guitar and also the drums. He also mentioned playing with the bouncy ball. So I asked if he played soccer and basketball with him and he enthusiastically said yes.
I can only hope that this little boy *is* having dreams of his daddy. I’m doing my best to try to preserve whatever memories he could have of his daddy. It won’t be easy since he’s so young and the odds are against me from the get go, but I can only hope that our angel upstairs is doing his hardest to help me out in that department.
Life-or-Death
Yesterday while browsing cnn.com like I usually do for my news fix I came across an article with the title Who will make your life-or-death decision?. I apparently was interested enough to read it. Low and behold it went on to talk about living wills, but not just that. It went on to talk about how it really is important to make sure that those loved ones around you really know what your final wishes are. It immediately reminded me of the fact that Gary and I had talked about his final wishes LONG before his cancer diagnosis.
I knew that Gary wanted to be hooked up to a machine for as long as possible. He insisted that he’d come out of any coma he was in so he wanted to stay hooked up. He also adamantly told me many times how he wanted to be cremated and be inside of the house. I never thought knowing these two things would ever be so important THIS early in our marriage.
I’ll admit when he was in the hospital for the last week of his life it was extremely weird to make all of his medical decisions myself. For the first time in my life I was making a life-or-death decision for another human being, one that I loved so very much. I only hoped that every decision I made was the right one, and thinking back I did everything that Gary would have wanted me to do. I know that. Ultimately I never had to be faced with that decision of disconnecting him from a machine because he made that decision for me.
After his death I realized how important it was to have MY wishes in writing because the one person that knew what I wanted done was no longer around to do the same for me like I did for him. I immediately took care of my living will, my power of attorney (also another VERY VERY important piece of paper that would have made my life 1000x easier), my actual will, and paperwork for Mikey’s guardian god forbid something were to happen to me. Even though I have a living will I still find it very important to make sure that my loved ones know my wishes because in the end I won’t be around to tell them what I want done and I’ll count on them to make the right decisions.
Walk with us!
We are less than 5 months away from this year’s Light the Night walk. This year is the second year that Team Gary’s Guardian Angel’s will be walking. Unfortunately this year we are walking in memory of Gary and Mikey and I will be carrying the lit up gold balloon that symbolizes those that we lost leukemia and lymphoma. There are a few things that makes this year’s walk THAT much more special in my book.
#1 -Gary is one of this year’s Honored Heroes. What an honor for our family, he’d never expect something like that in a million years.
#2 – At last year’s walk one of Gary’s coworkers, Gretchen, who raised over $1k in a matter of a week got a medal for having raised so much money. Well I happened to be standing right next to Gary with the camera turned on just as she was giving her medal to him because he was such an inspiration to her. That night I told Gary that next year (now this year) I will be up on stage getting my medal too because I will raise over $1k just myself. I WILL!!!!
So here I am soliciting people to walk with us at this year’s event. It’ll be on November 13th, at Huzienga Park in Ft. Lauderdale.
If you’d like to join our team you can by clicking HERE.
If you can’t join us for whatever reason but would like to help me get to my $1k goal you can do so by navigating to my personal page or by clicking HERE
Thank you! With your help we can get the money that researchers need to come up with a cure for blood cancers so that no other families have to be broken apart like mine has been.
An anniversary I’d rather forget
It’s hard to just forget anniversary to important events, today is one that I’d honestly wish I could forget. Today is the anniversary of the day Gary officially started chemo for the very first time. I remember that day like it was just yesterday. I remember the emotions that I felt that day. I remember crying in private so that Gary coudln’t see how very scared I was. I wish so much that I could travel back in time and tell Gary to not do it. To just take his chance with this lymphoma diagnosis. But I know even if I went back in time he probably wouldn’t have listened. Gary was a medical geek that wanted so much to have been a doctor, he knew the right thing to do was to do the treatment even with the risks that it entailed. I know that it was the right thing to do becaus otherwise you live every day of your life wondering “What If”. And Gary didn’t want that. Now I live my life wondering “What If” every day. What if he didn’t do chemo, how long could he have lived?
As good as I have been the past couple of months I’ve hit a new low. It’s almost like my mind and heart have both started talking to one another and they both have come to the conclusion that Gary is never coming back. He’s gone. He can’t breathe, he can’t open his beautiful green eyes to look at me. I’ll never see him smile again. I’ll never get to give him another dose of the hug therapy he insisted on daily during chemo. He’s gone for good. I’ve been crying daily for the past week. None of my family members or my friends really know that I’m doing that, shoot Mikey doesn’t even know because when I cry around him its in the car with my sunglasses on.I don’t know if I’m finally really allowing myself to really grieve or what, but this just feels so very raw.
I wish someone would pinch me so I could wake up from this bad dream already!
A recent widow and single mom doing my best to survive on my own.
Last year I told Gary that I'd raise $1k at the 2010 walk, please help me reach my goal. This year Gary is one of the Honored Heroes for the walk so its even extra special to me. :) Just click on the Sponsor Me image to be taken to my fundraising page. Thank you!!!
Help me get to my 1st Half Marathon in Walt Disney World where I will run in memory of Gary :)
