An anniversary I’d rather forget
It’s hard to just forget anniversary to important events, today is one that I’d honestly wish I could forget. Today is the anniversary of the day Gary officially started chemo for the very first time. I remember that day like it was just yesterday. I remember the emotions that I felt that day. I remember crying in private so that Gary coudln’t see how very scared I was. I wish so much that I could travel back in time and tell Gary to not do it. To just take his chance with this lymphoma diagnosis. But I know even if I went back in time he probably wouldn’t have listened. Gary was a medical geek that wanted so much to have been a doctor, he knew the right thing to do was to do the treatment even with the risks that it entailed. I know that it was the right thing to do becaus otherwise you live every day of your life wondering “What If”. And Gary didn’t want that. Now I live my life wondering “What If” every day. What if he didn’t do chemo, how long could he have lived?
As good as I have been the past couple of months I’ve hit a new low. It’s almost like my mind and heart have both started talking to one another and they both have come to the conclusion that Gary is never coming back. He’s gone. He can’t breathe, he can’t open his beautiful green eyes to look at me. I’ll never see him smile again. I’ll never get to give him another dose of the hug therapy he insisted on daily during chemo. He’s gone for good. I’ve been crying daily for the past week. None of my family members or my friends really know that I’m doing that, shoot Mikey doesn’t even know because when I cry around him its in the car with my sunglasses on.I don’t know if I’m finally really allowing myself to really grieve or what, but this just feels so very raw.
I wish someone would pinch me so I could wake up from this bad dream already!
My life…..the children’s book
With today being the anniversary of the day that Gary and I hopped on a plane to Maryland for his very first round of chemo I was reminded about how crappy my life has turned in just this past year. If anyone is due a break its ME! So everyone else…..quit your bitching, it’s my turn!!!!!! When I was thinking about all of the crappy stuff that was thrown our way I was reminded of one of Mikey’s favorite books that we seem to read EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.
The book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day could seriously summarize my life right now. Except for the minor fact that I’m not in grade school complaining about how my day got off on a horrible start all because I fell asleep with gum in my mouth. So you are probably wondering where the hell I’m going with this. Well in the book Alexander constantly vents about how this or that goes wrong and how he vents about it to whomever is nearby him but no one bothers to listen. That’s kinda where I feel a lot like Alexander.
There are some days when I feel like everyone thinks things are just hunky dory with me. That there is no possible way I could, gosh still be grieving. But it’s day’s like today where all of the progress that you’ve made, you take a thousand steps back all because of what TODAY signifies. So *NO* things aren’t all peachy for me. I don’t bitch about it like Alexander does because quite frankly I think everyone is tired of hearing me bitch, so no one is there to listen anymore. That’s why I blog about it, because if anything I can get my words out, whether or not anyone chooses to read what I have to say.
Edited to say……OOPS as I was continuing my book writing this evening I realized that I was a little ahead of myself on this anniversary crap. That’s actually tomorrow. Woops. Well guess I have another crappy day in store for me then!
Life Sucks!
Every bit of my life just fucking sucks. I have cried just about ever single night since being back home. Not because its weird being back home. I LOVE being back home. This is OUR home. I feel comfortable here. I find myself crying after Mikey goes to bed. Usually when I’m attempting to wind down. Instead of relaxing (like I should) watching TV after he goes to bed I start going on somewhat of a scavenger hunt around my house. Perusing boxes and drawers. What am I looking for? I’m looking for two things. One is the DVD with the photos of our last family photo session that we took on Mother’s Day last year before Gary started chemo. I have the case the photos came in, but I can’t seem to find where this DVD is. I remember giving it to Gary and where it went after that, beats me. I have no clue. Thankfully I have all of the photos saved on my pc so I can burn a dvd myself, but ya know, its not the same. I want THAT one.
The other thing I’m looking for is this black and white surfing picture of Gary. He actually used it to woo me over 11 years ago 
I have the picture saved digitally but I’d like the original too. I know its somewhere because at some point I had scanned it in for our wedding but beats me where the hell its gone since then. That was 5 years ago! I know eventually he’ll help me find what I’m looking for but man does it suck when you have your mind set on finding something and your mind in a way is getting in your way from finding it.
In my hunt I came across some cards from Gary. I tore my room up the other night looking for any kind of card from him and couldn’t find a damn one. But tonight I found 3 of them personally from him to me with a beautiful note in each one. Each one just broke my heart, almost like the analogy of pouring salt into an open wound. Yeah that was me. Pouring salt into my open wound, my heart. All of these cards were ones that he wrote me last year between Valentines, oops I meant Hallmark Day, and the last one was for our 5th wedding anniversary. The things he said brought me more tears today than they did the day he wrote them, because those cards he actually wrote from his heart. It wasn’t the cheesy, I love you type message. It was messages like “You are my rock”. Or him thanking me for pushing him to find out what the hell is wrong with him. Or the one line that hurt me the most tonight was him saying how he realized that he has so much to live for and he is going to give this fight all that he’s got because he’s got so many memories to make with us. 
So on the eve of Gary being gone for exactly 11 week (yeah it’ll be 11 weeks tomorrow morning at 7:10am), I wanted to say that right now I’m more of a mess than I was 11 weeks ago when I lost him and I’m more alone than I was 11 weeks ago when I lost him. Whereas everyone else’s lives have gone on, mine hasn’t. Mine remains in shambles.
After shock comes guilt
Or at least it does for me.
I don’t even know where to start with this post. For the past 2.5 months I’ve been somewhat numb. Just “living” what is my new life without Gary. Just getting by. Acting strong to everyone, while even surprising myself at times. That was the shock phase apparently and to me the next stage that has hit is guilt.
Guilt that I wish I would have screamed out to tell Gary that I can’t do this without him while they were performing cpr on him. Maybe just maybe he would have heard my screams and said “Ok I’ll keep fighting”.
Guilt that I left at 12:30am on New Year’s Day even though he wasn’t doing that well to go home and sleep so that I can have energy to spend the next day with him.
Guilt that I didn’t take him to the hospital sooner.
Guilt that I let us attempt to live a normal life after he was done with chemo, even though his immune system wasn’t back to normal.
Guilt that I didn’t tell Gary that I loved him every single day that I was with him.
Guilt that we won’t grow old together.
Guilt in the fact that I get to enjoy seeing our beautiful little MIkey grow up and Gary is missing all of this. How he would have loved hearing half of the things that comes out of Mikey’s mouth now. I get to see how much Mikey’s face lights up when he sees pictures of Gary or how he has this huge grin when I replay Gary’s voicemail greeting. I wish he was here to enjoy this, for us to be our little family again, a wish no one can ever grant me unfortunately. I’d have better luck at winning the lottery at this point.
Oh the guilt, this phase, S-U-C-K-S. I cry in bed every night because of the guilt I feel. People can tell me that I was the best wife and did everything I could. And I know that, but I still feel that guilt. I know its a phase, and I know it’ll pass. I hate everything about this new life of mine. The emptiness I feel is so much more real now than it was 2.5 months ago when I lost Gary, and that is probably why this phase is kicking my ass.
One *is* the loneliest number
You all have surely heard the song with these words. For some reason this entire weekend when I’ve gotten up in the morning those were the words that popped into my head. I know most of you are probably thinking, but you aren’t alone. You are right, I’m not. I do have my wonderful Mikey, he’s my world right now, and I’m so grateful that I can call myself his mommy. I have family and friends, but they can’t possibly ever know what it feels like to be in my shoes.
No this isn’t gonna be a hugely Woah is Me post. I know I’m entitled to writing posts like that but quite honestly day in and day out I’m not miserable, so posting on here as if it was would be a lie. Somehow my life is going on without Gary, he would have wanted that. He wouldn’t want me miserable. Does it mean I don’t miss him endlessly? Not at all. I miss him more today than I did yesterday. Every day that goes by his death is made a little more REAL to me. Right now it still feels like he’s on this extended vacation and I’m not able to talk to him. But all I have to do is think about how he really will never come back and GOSH it sucks. So I try my hardest to not dwell on that because otherwise I would be miserable day in and day out.
Tomorrow morning at 7:10am marks 2 full months without Gary. How? I don’t know. I wish I knew. This time 2 months ago (well sorta kinda, doesn’t help that February is a short month), I was sitting in Gary’s room spending New Year’s Eve with him. I remember that night like it was just last night. I remember watching the numbers on his screen going up and then going down and telling my youngest brother how I wouldn’t want to leave him if they kept going down. I remember holding Gary’s VERY swollen hand as the countdown began at Times Square on TV, telling him how 2010 would be a MUCH better year for us. I remember trying to compose myself so that he didn’t hear my voice crack because of the tears that were rolling down my face. I remember telling him that I loved him so much and that I’d see him in the morning. Had I known that he’d leave me 7 hours later I would NEVER have left .
Ok so I lied this did sorta turn into a woah is me post. Hey its my blog right? I can do what I want
Wherever you are, Gary, I miss you dearly.
“Mommy is Sad”
Remember how I said I was getting ready to do a big redecorating project? Well I left work to go straight to my house to meet with a painter to tell him what colors I wanted where because he starts TOMORROW. My mom had the pleasure of picking up Mikey from daycare for me and brought him to my house and she asked me if I was sad this morning. I said no, why? She said, because Mikey said you were sad. And then he turned around and said, Yeah Mommy is Sad.
I’ll be honest I haven’t been sad since ummmm Sunday but its crazy that he is so in tune with my emotions. The kid is only 2 and even he knows me better than MYSELF!
A Disney recap
I’m not going to go into the many details of the quick little trip to Disney that Mikey and I went on this past weekend with my cousin, her daughter, and my youngest brother. Overall it was an OK trip. I’ll admit that I did have 2 “moments” one was when the Move it Shake it whatever you wanna call it thing was coming down Main Street and I saw Goofy on the float and all I could think about was how Gary used to be Goofy at the Magic Kingdom. I didn’t have my sunglasses on so I’m sure some people were wondering why I looked like I was crying, when everyone else was having a grand ole time.
Then the other moment was during the 3pm parade, with Mikey asleep in his stroller. I was by myself for a moment and once again saw Goofy, and had another moment. This time I had my sunglasses on, good thing because there were a lot of people around us.
I’ll admit that of all the parks the Magic Kingdom (as expected) had a memory literally at every single turn. I of course did my best to create new memories with Mikey and we did manage to sneak in some fun. I let him get his face painted and let him pick out what he wanted, he chose the puppy pal face paint which really is Pluto and he was the CUTEST little Pluto in the entire park. He was so happy with his face painted that I couldn’t help but be happy for him.
How to Grieve: 5 Myths That Hurt
By Paula Spencer, Caring.com senior editor
how to grieve
Grief is a natural response to loss, and it can unfold in many ways. Unfortunately, well-intentioned onlookers — dubbed “grief police” by grief expert Robert Neimeyer, professor of psychology at the University of Memphis — often say things that mistakenly imply to the bereaved that there’s a “right” way to grieve.
Consider these all-too-common grief myths:
Myth #1: It’s possible to cry too much.
Everyone grieves differently. There’s no single correct way to express the pain, sorrow, yearning, and other aspects of the transition of adjusting to the death of a loved one. Intense responses are sometimes seen as “losing control,” when in fact they’re simply how that person is actively (and productively) processing the loss.
Myth #2: If you don’t cry now, it’ll be worse later.
Some people never cry. Tears or outward expressions of anguish simply aren’t everyone’s grieving style, says psychologist Neimeyer. This doesn’t mean they’re grieving less intensely than a visibly shaken individual, or that they loved the person who died any less. Nor does a lack of obvious emotion mean the griever has an emotional block or problem or will face a longer, more difficult adjustment to the loss.
Myth #3: Grief is something you “get over.”
Most people never stop grieving a death; they learn to live with it. Grief is a response, not a straight line with an endpoint. Many psychologists bristle at words such as “acceptance” or “resolution” or “healed” as a final stage of grief. The real stages of grief involve tasks of processing and adjustment that one returns to all through life.
Myth #4: Time heals slowly but steadily.
Time is the commodity through which a grieving person sorts through the effects and meaning of a loss. But that process isn’t a steady fade-out, like a photograph left in the sun. Grief is a chaotic roller coaster — a mix of ups, downs, steady straight lines, and the occasional slam. Periods of intense sadness and pain can flare and fade for years or decades.
Myth #5: Grieving should end after a set amount of time.
Ignore oft-quoted rules of thumb that purport to predict how long certain types of grief should last. A downside to six-week or eight-week bereavement groups, says Sherry E. Showalter, a psychotherapist specializing in grief and the author of Healing Heartaches: Stories of Loss and Life, is that at the end of the sessions, people mistakenly expect to be “better” (or their friends expect this). “Everyone tells me the same story: ‘I failed Grief 101,’ because they still feel pain,” Showalter says. “We grieve for a lifetime, because we’re forever working to incorporate the death into our own tapestry of life.”
Learning how to grieve is ultimately part instinct, part stumbling along, part slogging along — a bit like learning how to live.
Dear February 2nd,
Oh how I love to hate the. You weren’t any easier than February 1st on me. You were a constant reminder of how crappy my life has become. The car I drive that my husband bought for me. The little boy in the back seat with daddy’s green eyes. The pictures of what was such a carefree life plastered all over my cube at work. The Valentine’s emails to buy flowers, flowers that I won’t ever get again from Gary because he is DEAD. The letter from Discover Card offering my DEAD husband a loan even though they know very well that he is dead because they are trying to collect from his estate.
Everything about February 2nd, 2010 has sucked and I can’t wait for you to be over and done with. Maybe February 3rd will be better, one can only hope at this point.
One Month!
Yup you read that right, one full month gone…….poof just like that. I couldn’t fall asleep last night because I was afraid to wake up this morning and go through my routine of seeing the time and thinking back onto what happened a month ago. So I resorted to one of my anti-anxiety pills and as usual that thing knocked me out. Not a bad thing honestly! Well just so happens there was no reliving the whole 6:30am time or the 7:10am time this morning because at 3am Mikey woke up with a 102 fever. He had been battling some virus since Friday night. The fevers would go up and then go back down. So at 3am I got him juice and a nice dose of motrin and then we both went back to sleep. As soon as he woke up with a fever I knew there was no way in hell I was taking him to daycare today so I didn’t bother.
My alarm went off at 6am like it usually does during the week and I just turned it off and went back to bed. The next time I looked at the time was at 8:30am when Mikey decided it was time to wake up for the day. I’m so thankful he waited that long because I totally missed the whole month-a-versary. No reliving the moments that happened exactly a month ago. So in a way I’m happy that Mikey woke up with a fever this morning, because it totally threw things off in a good way.
But it doesn’t mean that today wasn’t hard for me. It was hard. Every moment of February 1st was hard. I expect this entire month to be very very hard on me. I not only get to go through Valentine’s Day or what Gary would call it Hallmark Day all alone with no more cheesey Hallmark cards from him but 11 days later I get to deal with his birthday. We had high hopes to be celebrating his birthday on board a cruise ship since every birthday post-chemo would be a HUGE deal, but never again.
The hardest thing about today was seeing my 2yr old pick up my cell phone and attempt at a conversation with his daddy. If that doesn’t break your heart then I don’t know what would. I’ve told this to several people this last month, but if someone said “cut off your arm and you can have Gary back”, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Even if that trade was for just one minute, I’d jump at it. But I’ll never get that kind of an opportunity because he’s gone for good. I’m definitely still in the shock phase of grief because even though I know what really happened, part of me just can’t believe its real.
A recent widow and single mom doing my best to survive on my own.
Last year I told Gary that I'd raise $1k at the 2010 walk, please help me reach my goal. This year Gary is one of the Honored Heroes for the walk so its even extra special to me. :) Just click on the Sponsor Me image to be taken to my fundraising page. Thank you!!!
Help me get to my 1st Half Marathon in Walt Disney World where I will run in memory of Gary :)
