Some moments are just HARD
This evening was just hard. I don’t know why all of a sudden I broke down. I quietly cried hiding my face so that I didn’t have to hear little Mikey say “Mommy don’t cry”. For some reason our song popped into my head and the tears just came pouring from my eyes. Then the random thoughts of Gary not being there for anymore Disney trips with Mikey. He won’t be there to see Mikey graduate high school or college. He won’t see Mikey get married or see and enjoy his grandkids. We won’t have the moment in the nursing home racing down the hall in our power scooters like we had talked about when we were newlyweds watching two teens racing down the aisles at walmart in the store’s power scooters. We always teased each other about it and I was secretly hoping to grow old with him, but that’ll never happen. Never. Yeah he’s “with” me. But he’s not WITH me. I hate the fact that I can’t sleep in my own house. Things will never be the same.
Everyone else’s lives has returned to normal and mine is still upside down. It’s not getting easier, its getting harder. Just like our wedding officiant, turned reverend for Gary’s services, said at his services, its the weeks coming when I’ll need the support the most. When everyone else has returned to normal, that’s when its going to hit me and he couldn’t have been more spot on.
The perfect celebration of life
I knew Wednesday was going to be difficult for me and it was. Like I’ve said before that would be the day my nightmare came true. I was surprisingly very strong on Wednesday. I don’t know how, I guess Gary helped me be strong enough to get through that very tough day. I’ll admit I did not like seeing Gary in a casket, but honestly who would like to see their husband in a casket?
The services were beautiful and touching. The reverend that married us, Michael Calderin, performed the services. It was a no brainer to ask him to do it. It’s crazy to think that 5 years ago he was marrying us and now he was doing this of all things. Something none of us expected. We had some fabulous friends saying wonderful things about Gary. Even his oncologist came to pay his respects to Gary, I did not expect him to show up, but he did. I was touched by that gesture. The place was packed, I’d venture to say that it was standing room only too. Who would have thought Gary would get that kind of turnout, but he did and it was the most amazing thing ever.
Once everyone left family was left behind and as we were standing by his casket the FSU Warchant played and we did the tomahawk chop for him. As awkward as it was, I think he would have liked us doing that for him.
To end the night we went back to my parent’s house and we finally burned his chemo clothes. He’s been wanting to do this since he started chemo so to finally fulfill his wishes, it was just amazing. It’s almost like it was meant to happen when it did because one of his cousins is a firefighter and he helped us manage the fire. I could only imagine Gary and I attempting to do that on our own. It would have been a big fat FAIL. 
My nightmare comes true tomorrow
I’m writing this today because there is no way in hell I’m coming online tomorrow to put up a blog post. Sorry if I’ve written this before, my mind is definitely not here right now and I can hardly remember things.
When Gary was going through chemo I took part in an online support group. It was easiest for me to do that because I didn’t have to worry about leaving Gary alone at home while he felt like crap. One of the things I’ve talked about MANY times with the other women in our support group was how you have visions of the worst. Most of us the vision of the worst was being at your husbands funeral. My vision, was me and Mikey dressed in black. I never saw Gary’s casket in my vision, probably a good thing, but tomorrow that part of my vision will be completed (unfortunately).
I’m in no way ready to walk into that funeral home for Gary’s service. I still cannot believe I have to do this in the first place. I know its going to be extremely difficult to see my husband, Gary’s daddy, in a casket. For the past few days I’ve been trying to envision that to somewhat prepare myself for the sight I’m about to see, but I just can’t do it. I was able to pick out his attire and everything, I know what he’ll look like tomorrow, just not ready to have that complete picture that I know I’ll NEVER be able to get out of my head.
UGH! Somehow I’ll get through tomorrow. The only good thing that will come out of tomorrow’s service ending is finally having that bonfire that Gary wanted to do ever since he finished chemo. We have had this metal can in our house with some chemo clothes that he told me he’d never wear again. So to end tomorrow’s horrible event we are going to burn the stuff he’s wanted to burn since he was on chemo. I know its exactly what Gary would want me to do tomorrow.
Last words forever by my heart
Over the weekend my mom decided to go to the mall to look for something that could be engraved with the last words I heard Gary ever say “My wife, I love her”. Well she found the most perfect heart charm and got it engraved immediately. It’s not quite my style but I could care less because it means the world to me to just have those 5 words with me at all times.
Those are 5 words I’ll never forget. I can picture him saying it and I hear him in my head. Just wish I could hear it again just one more time.
It doesn’t get much easier…..yet
I’ve been told that every day that goes by it’ll get easier and easier, but I don’t think that kicks in until after the official funeral. Yesterday my mom took Mikey, Gary’s mom, and myself to the mall to find outfits for the three of us to wear on Wednesday. I don’t have anything in all black that I deemed good enough, and I definitely don’t have anything at home for a toddler. Going to the mall to look for something to wear for my husband’s funeral was by far the hardest thing ever. NOTHING looked good and it definitely wasn’t good enough for Gary. I finally found something for Mikey, myself, and the last one to find something was Gary’s mom. But after a couple of hours at the mall we all came out with something we thought was good enough for the upcoming “event”.
We have still been sleeping at my parents house. We even take our pup Max with us. I can’t leave him alone except for when I have to go to a store, the poor dog is just so depressed he doesn’t even want to eat unless you are standing right next to him.
Today we had to finalize all of the pictures for the slideshow for the services and I selected some music too. Some special songs like:
- Rain from Creed, Gary had blogged about this song a few weeks ago saying that it made him cry so I just had to play this song. Creed is special to both of us since we both were in school when Creed started off, they are more special to Gary than me only because he was actually friends with them. So not only did I pick Rain but I also picked With Arms Wide Open. I thought it was somewhat fitting.
- Faithfully from Journey, the song that Gary and I danced to for our first dance as husband and wife 
- The Hymn to the Garnet and Gold, as an FSU grad I didn’t really pay close enough attention to this song but apparently to a Marching Chief this is a VERY important song. I happen to have a version of the song that Gary is actually playing his trumpet so in essence he’ll be playing trumpet at his own funeral
- The FSU Warchant, I was very unsure of playing this song but a few of our friends suggested that Gary would want it played so I also chose a version where he was playing his trumpet.
I’m typing this at my house waiting for the Reverend that married us to come visit me. He will be performing Gary’s funeral service, its what Gary would have wanted. We weren’t religious at all but I know he would have wanted him to perform the services since he knew us pretty well.
Somehow moving on
Yesterday was by far the LONGEST day ever. I was so glad for it to be over. We had lots of very sad moments, one of the most touching was the moment when I got home and told our dog, Max, that his daddy was gone. He sat there and tried to comfort me like he understood. He’s been super depressed and later last night I sat on the floor with him (he’s a golden retriever if you haven’t met him) and he cried and cried. I’ve heard him whimper before but this was a dog sobbing. It broke my heart. I told him that I promised to take care of him just like his daddy would want me to. And to not worry because he’s in good hands.
Then probably the saddest moment was when we arrived at my parents house because they refused to have me, Gary’s mom, Mikey, and Max stay alone at our house. Well Mikey all of a sudden got really sad. He just wanted to be held and at one point just started crying. I don’t think he understands what happened but he sees the sadness. You can’t help but crack a smile though when your little 2 year old tells you to “Don’t cry mommy”. He’s the one that will keep me going. I told Gary that I will make him proud of his little man. Mikey will know how great of a person Gary was and how many lives he has touched.
Today we went with one of Gary’s coworkers, Amanda, to the funeral home that we liked to finalize everything. Here are the details just in case anyone wants to come, everyone is welcome:
Location: Boyd Panciera
6400 Hollywood Blvd, Hollywood, FL 33024
#954-983-6400
Date: Wednesday, January 6th, 2010
Public Visitation: 2-4pm and 6-9pm
Service: 7:30pm
In lieu of flowers the family would prefer a donation in honor of Gary T. Zullo to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Here’s the link with info on online and mail-in donations. Donate Here
For mail in donations you can mail it to:
Leukemia and Lymphoma Society
Two Oakwood Blvd.
Suite 200
Hollywood, FL 33020
Thank you all for your support. Gary was very blessed to have everyone care so much about him.
A recent widow and single mom doing my best to survive on my own.
Last year I told Gary that I'd raise $1k at the 2010 walk, please help me reach my goal. This year Gary is one of the Honored Heroes for the walk so its even extra special to me. :) Just click on the Sponsor Me image to be taken to my fundraising page. Thank you!!!
Help me get to my 1st Half Marathon in Walt Disney World where I will run in memory of Gary :)
