Half a year = Today

Posted by Sammy on Jul 1st, 2010 | 3 comments

Half a year, poof gone, never to get that time back EVER. Would I want to go back to where I was 6 months ago, no I wouldn’t. Why? Because that was probably the worst day of my life so far. I remember that day like it was just yesterday. I remember being in bed and hitting snooze because I could sleep just a few more minutes. Any night that I was able to sleep without the phone ringing was a GOOD night, why would the morning of January 1st be any different? I remember sleeping and my heart jumping out of my chest as my cell phone started ringing at 6:30 that morning. I remember the nurse on the other line telling me to get to the hospital. She wouldn’t tell me what was going on, just to come as fast as I could.

I knew what that meant. I remember slipping and sliding across the pergo in my room trying to throw on clothes, any clothes. I didn’t care what I looked like. I remember running out to the living room to wake up my little brother that had spent the night with me as we rung in the new year in Gary’s ICU room. I remember running to the other side of the house where Gary’s mom was sleeping and waking her up and having her fall off of her bed because I freaked her out. I remember calling my mom to tell her I was on my way to the hospital and texting my friends to tell them what I was doing too.

I remember arriving at the hospital and parking by the ER only to quickly get our ID stickers and run as fast as we could down the hall to get to the elevators in the main lobby. I remember how slow those elevators felt that morning. I remember running down the hall of the 3rd floor to get to ICU. I got to Gary’s room, the lights were all on. The curtains were closed shut. There were a bunch of people inside. One of the nice ladies that I’d run into every day in the ICU saw me rush in and came to console me immediately. She found a chair for me so that I could sit right outside of the room. I remember crying hysterically because I knew what they were doing. They were trying to bring Gary back to life.

I remember the ER doctor that was tending to him come out and tell me that they’d perform cpr for 30 minutes and then they’d have to stop. Those were the longest 30 minutes of my life. I remember sitting there in my chair with my little brother sitting next to me on the floor holding my hand. I remember crying and covering my face hoping to shield any bad news. I remember hearing them call the time and I knew he was gone. At 7:10 on January 1st, 2010 Gary was declared to be dead.

I remember that same ER doc come out of the room only to tell me what I didn’t want to hear. I remember screaming when she told me the news. The rest of the day seemed like a blur. I was taken from place to place. I remember seeing Gary’s lifeless body. How cold he was. I remember us bringing in some kind of a priest to pray for him. We were surrounded by our family and one of Gary’s coworkers, Amanda. I remember walking out to the waiting room to go give Mikey a hug only to find so many of my friends there to support me in my time of need. I’m still in awe of every single one of them that got up so very early to come be with me. Knowing that the majority of them had young ones at home, they put aside their motherly duties to be there for a friend in need. For that I’m forever grateful to every single one of them.

I remember being whisked away to go look at funeral homes to find THE perfect place for Gary. I remember later that afternoon sitting on my couch in what now seemed to be my empty house with family around me and noticing the time. The FSU bowl game was on, it was Bowden’s last game. We were looking forward to watching that game together. I remember flipping the channel to attempt to watch it, saw the score and someone grabbed the remote from my hands as they saw tears roll down my cheeks.

So I wouldn’t go back in time to 6 months ago no matter how much money someone gave to me. What happened then made me a much stronger individual. I thought I was strong enough getting Gary through cancer and chemo, but its amazing how much stronger you can become when you are faced with death.

Fulfilling his wishes

Posted by Sammy on Jan 25th, 2010 | 3 comments

Gary would be soooooo proud of me for doing stuff that he has wanted to do for quite some time but just never got around to it for whatever reason. For the longest time he has talked about getting a brick for himself and one for us that would appear at Westcott Plaza at FSU. For those of you that have never been to FSU it’s a beautiful spot with a beautiful fountain. As a student it was a big deal to be dunked in the fountain, almost like you weren’t broken in as a true Seminole until you were dunked in Westcott fountain.

When we were in school they had just started selling bricks and we’ve always talked about getting one for us. Well instead of getting one for us I ordered one for him. It takes at most 6 months to get installed but once its in they’ll tell me exactly where its located.

I also ordered a replica brick for home which I plan on passing along to Mikey one day.

The bricks will say the following:

Gary T. Zullo
Class of 2000
1976-2010

I was limited by the number of lines and the amount of text I could put on there. So that was the best I could think of. I’m now looking forward to this fall when I plan on heading up to Tallahassee with Mikey for his first football game and I can’t wait to see Gary’s brick in place.

It doesn’t get much easier…..yet

Posted by Sammy on Jan 4th, 2010 | 6 comments

I’ve been told that every day that goes by it’ll get easier and easier, but I don’t think that kicks in until after the official funeral. Yesterday my mom took Mikey, Gary’s mom, and myself to the mall to find outfits for the three of us to wear on Wednesday. I don’t have anything in all black that I deemed good enough, and I definitely don’t have anything at home for a toddler. Going to the mall to look for something to wear for my husband’s funeral was by far the hardest thing ever. NOTHING looked good and it definitely wasn’t good enough for Gary. I finally found something for Mikey, myself, and the last one to find something was Gary’s mom. But after a couple of hours at the mall we all came out with something we thought was good enough for the upcoming “event”.

We have still been sleeping at my parents house. We even take our pup Max with us. I can’t leave him alone except for when I have to go to a store, the poor dog is just so depressed he doesn’t even want to eat unless you are standing right next to him.

Today we had to finalize all of the pictures for the slideshow for the services and I selected some music too. Some special songs like:

- Rain from Creed, Gary had blogged about this song a few weeks ago saying that it made him cry so I just had to play this song. Creed is special to both of us since we both were in school when Creed started off, they are more special to Gary than me only because he was actually friends with them. So not only did I pick Rain but I also picked With Arms Wide Open. I thought it was somewhat fitting.

- Faithfully from Journey, the song that Gary and I danced to for our first dance as husband and wife

- The Hymn to the Garnet and Gold, as an FSU grad I didn’t really pay close enough attention to this song but apparently to a Marching Chief this is a VERY important song. I happen to have a version of the song that Gary is actually playing his trumpet so in essence he’ll be playing trumpet at his own funeral

- The FSU Warchant, I was very unsure of playing this song but a few of our friends suggested that Gary would want it played so I also chose a version where he was playing his trumpet.

I’m typing this at my house waiting for the Reverend that married us to come visit me. He will be performing Gary’s funeral service, its what Gary would have wanted. We weren’t religious at all but I know he would have wanted him to perform the services since he knew us pretty well.