The story of the old couple
There was something posted on the widow boards that I frequent the other day about how most of us widows basically feel robbed of growing old with the spouse that we lost. And for some reason that post immediately reminded me of a story that I wanted to share on my blog.
It was 2003 and Gary and I were on our Alaskan cruise (where he proposed). Before we boarded the Sun Princess in Seward we had hit the Helly Hansen store to look for some fleece sweaters because we were seeing a lot of locals wearing Helly Hansen outerwear. Well we both bought fleece jackets, his was a tan color and mine was blue.
Now fast-foward to the cruise. This shouldn’t be a surprise but most people on our ship were MUCH older than us. We didn’t care though. Well if you’ve ever been on a cruise you’d know how many opportunities you get to take photos by the ship photographers. You head down to their studio area and search for your photo amongst hundreds of others on the wall. Definitely can help pass the time when its freezing outside. Well Gary and I would go down to the studio to check out our photos and EVERY time we would we would keep seeing a photo of an older couple wearing the same color jackets like we would wear. I’m talking EVERY SINGLE TIME. We ended up joking about how that older couple was us in 50+ years. I don’t think we ever saw them onboard but we always came across their photo in the studio.
It might not be funny to you, but remembering little stories like that brings a smile to my face. Those that were blessed to know Gary knew how much he loved to bring a smile to someone’s face.
And so came his birthday
Before today came I was afraid it would be extremely difficult on me. As if being single again on Valentine’s day didn’t suck enough I had to deal with Gary’s birthday soooooooo soon. I wasn’t ready, but really when would I have been ready? This morning I got up and thought it was going to be a sad day and just couldn’t fathom even saying Happy Birthday but as the day went on I realized if it weren’t for Gary’s birthday I wouldn’t have had him in my life and I wouldn’t have Mikey right now.
The day started by me dropping Mikey off at daycare. Then I headed downtown to meet my wonderful friend who is also my estate attorney to sign all of my official estate documents. For Me god forbid anything were to happen to me. The documents are safe and locked up in their vault but its all official. I have a will, a living will, a trust, and I’ve designated a guardian for Mikey. It’s all official. Something Gary and I never got around to doing, I did it. He’d be so proud.
The day ended with us singing Happy Birthday while releasing two balloons. Yes I know before you get all preachy about how its NOT good for the environment, I already know that. Gary’s mom picked out 2 balloons, a 3 and a 4 since really who makes a 34 balloon. We got back to my parents house and as the sun was starting to set we sand Happy Birthday to Gary and released the two balloons and stood there watching them fly away. What was amazing was that these two balloons that were not tied together flew off and stayed close to one another the entire way up. We watched until they were these two tiny dots in the sky.
So overall his birthday wasn’t that bad of a day. Did it suck, of course, I’d much rather have him here to take him out to dinner at Outback and embarrass him as they sing Happy Birthday to him (which he HATED). But he’d much rather us celebrate his life on his birthday because even in his short 33 years on this earth he touched so many lives.
Crappy == Today
As Gary would state in his programmer jargon Crappy == Today. Or is it Today == Crappy? Eh it shouldn’t matter right? Where do I start. Well I woke up beyond exhausted because not only did I take nyquil for my crappy cold last night but I also took an anti anxiety pill because my mind wouldn’t stop going. Boy did I sleep though! I still went to work even feeling crappy. I get there to go into a meeting first thing to find out that a coworker of mine is in ICU and is intubated. That’s exactly what I needed to hear. Immediately my mind goes to Gary and what happened with him. I hope to god that my coworker is able to recover.
The day didn’t get much better from there. I went home for lunch. Cooked my first meal at home. Go me! I checked the mail as I was heading back to the office and in the mailbox on top of the stack sat my $255 death benefit check form Social Security. Thanks fella’s that’s just what I needed today of all days. Definitely not gonna spend that all in one place!
I went back to work and finally got all of the info I needed from my HR regarding getting Mikey and I put on my health and dental insurance. Then all of the paperwork to roll Gary’s 401k into mine. And so forth. Fun stuff. My mind was overwhelmed and by 3pm I had enough. I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t think straight. I was spent. So I left.
I picked up Mikey and headed to the beach to my parent’s restaurant. As soon as I get there my cell rings. Who is it? The funeral home. They were NOT supposed to call me at all. They dialed my number by accident. I told the guy its ok just go ahead and tell me what you have to say, nothing can be worse than the day I’ve had. Ummmmm boy was I wrong.
He told me that there is still no signed death certificate from the medical examiner. They apparently have requested to review Gary’s medical records and told the funeral home to call them back tomorrow. This is a process that should only take about a week at most. To get the death certificate signed by the doctor at the hospital and then the medical examiner should take a week, we are going on almost 3 full weeks! Un-fucking-believable! So my poor sweet Gary’s body is in limbo. He can’t be cremated until the medical examiner signs off. There is a possibility that they can ask to review his body so it could potentially take even longer!
I don’t know how much more of this I can take? I just want this part of the process to be done. I’m not asking for too much am I? It’s hard enough to know that my sweet Gary’s body is going to be turned into ashes, and I’m in no means ready for that but my heart hurts knowing that his body is lying around somewhere just waiting for the inevitable to happen.
So yeah today has been the epitome of crappiness. Tomorrow has got to be a better day.
The perfect celebration of life
I knew Wednesday was going to be difficult for me and it was. Like I’ve said before that would be the day my nightmare came true. I was surprisingly very strong on Wednesday. I don’t know how, I guess Gary helped me be strong enough to get through that very tough day. I’ll admit I did not like seeing Gary in a casket, but honestly who would like to see their husband in a casket?
The services were beautiful and touching. The reverend that married us, Michael Calderin, performed the services. It was a no brainer to ask him to do it. It’s crazy to think that 5 years ago he was marrying us and now he was doing this of all things. Something none of us expected. We had some fabulous friends saying wonderful things about Gary. Even his oncologist came to pay his respects to Gary, I did not expect him to show up, but he did. I was touched by that gesture. The place was packed, I’d venture to say that it was standing room only too. Who would have thought Gary would get that kind of turnout, but he did and it was the most amazing thing ever.
Once everyone left family was left behind and as we were standing by his casket the FSU Warchant played and we did the tomahawk chop for him. As awkward as it was, I think he would have liked us doing that for him.
To end the night we went back to my parent’s house and we finally burned his chemo clothes. He’s been wanting to do this since he started chemo so to finally fulfill his wishes, it was just amazing. It’s almost like it was meant to happen when it did because one of his cousins is a firefighter and he helped us manage the fire. I could only imagine Gary and I attempting to do that on our own. It would have been a big fat FAIL. 
My nightmare comes true tomorrow
I’m writing this today because there is no way in hell I’m coming online tomorrow to put up a blog post. Sorry if I’ve written this before, my mind is definitely not here right now and I can hardly remember things.
When Gary was going through chemo I took part in an online support group. It was easiest for me to do that because I didn’t have to worry about leaving Gary alone at home while he felt like crap. One of the things I’ve talked about MANY times with the other women in our support group was how you have visions of the worst. Most of us the vision of the worst was being at your husbands funeral. My vision, was me and Mikey dressed in black. I never saw Gary’s casket in my vision, probably a good thing, but tomorrow that part of my vision will be completed (unfortunately).
I’m in no way ready to walk into that funeral home for Gary’s service. I still cannot believe I have to do this in the first place. I know its going to be extremely difficult to see my husband, Gary’s daddy, in a casket. For the past few days I’ve been trying to envision that to somewhat prepare myself for the sight I’m about to see, but I just can’t do it. I was able to pick out his attire and everything, I know what he’ll look like tomorrow, just not ready to have that complete picture that I know I’ll NEVER be able to get out of my head.
UGH! Somehow I’ll get through tomorrow. The only good thing that will come out of tomorrow’s service ending is finally having that bonfire that Gary wanted to do ever since he finished chemo. We have had this metal can in our house with some chemo clothes that he told me he’d never wear again. So to end tomorrow’s horrible event we are going to burn the stuff he’s wanted to burn since he was on chemo. I know its exactly what Gary would want me to do tomorrow.
Last words forever by my heart
Over the weekend my mom decided to go to the mall to look for something that could be engraved with the last words I heard Gary ever say “My wife, I love her”. Well she found the most perfect heart charm and got it engraved immediately. It’s not quite my style but I could care less because it means the world to me to just have those 5 words with me at all times.
Those are 5 words I’ll never forget. I can picture him saying it and I hear him in my head. Just wish I could hear it again just one more time.
It doesn’t get much easier…..yet
I’ve been told that every day that goes by it’ll get easier and easier, but I don’t think that kicks in until after the official funeral. Yesterday my mom took Mikey, Gary’s mom, and myself to the mall to find outfits for the three of us to wear on Wednesday. I don’t have anything in all black that I deemed good enough, and I definitely don’t have anything at home for a toddler. Going to the mall to look for something to wear for my husband’s funeral was by far the hardest thing ever. NOTHING looked good and it definitely wasn’t good enough for Gary. I finally found something for Mikey, myself, and the last one to find something was Gary’s mom. But after a couple of hours at the mall we all came out with something we thought was good enough for the upcoming “event”.
We have still been sleeping at my parents house. We even take our pup Max with us. I can’t leave him alone except for when I have to go to a store, the poor dog is just so depressed he doesn’t even want to eat unless you are standing right next to him.
Today we had to finalize all of the pictures for the slideshow for the services and I selected some music too. Some special songs like:
- Rain from Creed, Gary had blogged about this song a few weeks ago saying that it made him cry so I just had to play this song. Creed is special to both of us since we both were in school when Creed started off, they are more special to Gary than me only because he was actually friends with them. So not only did I pick Rain but I also picked With Arms Wide Open. I thought it was somewhat fitting.
- Faithfully from Journey, the song that Gary and I danced to for our first dance as husband and wife 
- The Hymn to the Garnet and Gold, as an FSU grad I didn’t really pay close enough attention to this song but apparently to a Marching Chief this is a VERY important song. I happen to have a version of the song that Gary is actually playing his trumpet so in essence he’ll be playing trumpet at his own funeral
- The FSU Warchant, I was very unsure of playing this song but a few of our friends suggested that Gary would want it played so I also chose a version where he was playing his trumpet.
I’m typing this at my house waiting for the Reverend that married us to come visit me. He will be performing Gary’s funeral service, its what Gary would have wanted. We weren’t religious at all but I know he would have wanted him to perform the services since he knew us pretty well.
RIP my sweet Gary
This morning I got the call I was afraid of. My alarm was going off like it had every other weekday morning. I hit snooze seeing that the phone hadn’t rung and all was good for me to sleep a few more minutes. Then at 6:20 my phone rang and I woke up with my heart pounding. I picked it up and it was the hospital, no surprise there. They told me to come immediately and I did. I got there within 5 minutes and they were performing CPR on him. The ER doctor came out to tell me what they were doing and told me that they were going to try for 20 more minutes because they could only do it for 30 minutes.
At 7:10am (twenty minutes later) the doctor came back out and I knew what they were going to say. My husband and best friend was gone. He put up one hell of a fight, but now as he had always feared I’m left picking up the pieces.
My heart is aching, and the only reason why I’m even bothering with a blog post is because I know there were so many friends pulling for him to come out of this healthy.
Are we ready for 2010??
I sit here typing this on my phone while celebrating New Years Eve in Gary’s room at the ICU. Such happening accomodations. My original plan was to stay until midnight so that we were together but with his oxygen so low I’m so afraid to leave him because I’m scared to see tomorrow morning’s number.
All night I’ve hoped his oxygen numbers would go back up to the 90′s but it hasn’t. It goes between 81 and 85 (if I’m lucky).
I cannot beleive we are a little over an hour away from ringing in 2010 and my poor Gary has no clue
This is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. I don’t care if it’s New Years Eve. I just want him healthy. I just want him to live to see Mikey graduate and get married and make us grandparents. Is that too much to ask for?
We’ve been through a lot in 2009. I never imagined we’d end it like this.
A crappy New Years Eve
UGHHHHHHHHHHH I knew going into this that it was a day by day type of thing and at times hour by hour. But still nothing sucks more than having your loved one in icu basically in a medically induced coma on New Years Eve. As crappy as today was just because of the holiday it really turned to shit from the moment I got to the hospital. Gary’s oxygen levels were in the 80s ALL day. That’s with the machine giving him 100% oxygen saturation.
I learned from the oncologists’s physician assistant that he’s got a fungal infection in his lungs called Aspergillosis. The test just came back positive for it so they started treating it immediately. How he got it no one knows but it obviously does affect those with weakened immune systems and it can be deadly (go figure right?).
I’m at home trying to have some bonding time with our little man while Gary’s mom takes over hospital duty. I’m so thankful for Mikey. He somehow manages to bring a smile to my face even though I feel like my insides are falling apart. All I want is for his daddy to come home.
Today is just one of those days that I’m really hoping we get to tomorrow. It’ll be huge if we do because tomorrow will be the beginning of a brand new year too. It’s GOTTA be better than 2009, right?!?!?!?!
A recent widow and single mom doing my best to survive on my own.
Last year I told Gary that I'd raise $1k at the 2010 walk, please help me reach my goal. This year Gary is one of the Honored Heroes for the walk so its even extra special to me. :) Just click on the Sponsor Me image to be taken to my fundraising page. Thank you!!!
Help me get to my 1st Half Marathon in Walt Disney World where I will run in memory of Gary :)
