Coming Clean

Posted by Sammy on Mar 3rd, 2010 | 5 comments home title

I’m not sure how many people know that I feel this way but I think its time to come clean. Really I have nothing to hide and quite honestly, if people are offended by the way that I feel then I’m sorry, try being in my shoes! Try having your entire world turned upside down and then maybe you’d understand why I feel this way.

So I’m coming clean and admitting on MY blog that ever since Gary passed away I’ve been extremely jealous of a lot of people out there.

I’m jealous of couples, whether they are happy or not. What I’d give to just have one more hug, shoot even an argument with Gary, so many people take their significant other for granted and I wish I could be one of those individuals.

I’m jealous of all of those daddies that I see having a blast with their little one. Oh what I’d give to see the smile on Mikey’s face when his daddy walks into the room just one more time. Mikey’s face always lit up when Gary was in the room. He LOVED his daddy, and his daddy LOVED him.

I’m jealous of happy families because mine is in pieces. It’s a constant reminder of what I no longer have, my happy little family.

Oh and the worst and I’m sorry if people don’t understand this one, I’m jealous of pregnant women. It’s not because I’m not happy that they are bringing in a new life into this world, its because Gary and I were supposed to try for baby #2 as soon as he was 6 months past his last chemo, and that never came. To dream about that baby, a sibling for Mikey, that we may never have just breaks my heart. We didn’t advertise this, because really its not worth advertising, but what the hey if I’m coming clean then I’ll come completely clean, but before Gary started chemo we decided to bank his sperm just in case the chemo made him infertile. NEVER in a million years would I think that I’d ever be faced with the decision of using his sperm because he’s not here. Of course I’m in no way ready for THAT type of commitment or decision, but since I’m coming clean, there ya go!

So hate me, bash me, whatever you want with me. It’s how I feel and dammit I’m entitled to it!

5 Responses home title

Leanna says:

March 4, 2010 at 9:29 am

I’m sorry you think that anyone would hate or bash you for how you feel. I think its totally understandable to feel jealous. You are entitled to it. I can only speak for myself, but nothing you just said came as a surprise to me.
Karla says:

March 4, 2010 at 9:51 am

I completely agree with Leanna. You are able to feel ALL of these feelings…I would think they are completely 100% natural!! I also think it is wonderful that you will have the chance to give Mikey a sibling one day (fingers crossed) when you feel ready. Never feel like you need to “hide” your feelings…they are YOURS and no one will ever judge you for having them!!
Victoria says:

March 4, 2010 at 11:31 am

I can’t even remotely pretend like I know how you feel, but I do think if I were in your situation I’d feel the exact same way. I think that is 100% normal. It’s NOT fair that most of us get to carry on with husbands and babies while your was taken away, not fair at all and it’s perfectly fine to be angry and jealous. You wouldn’t be a normal person with normal emotions if you weren’t *hugs*
Mimi says:

March 18, 2010 at 10:40 pm

If someone does have a problem with it, then it would not be very wise to admit it to US. Its completely understandable to feel how you feel. If *I* am angry for you then for sure you have the right to be!! Feel how you feel, your true friends will still be by your side.
Claudia says:

May 1, 2010 at 11:52 am

Hi,

I have been reading your blog. I am also a widow and I live in Pembroke Pines. My husband passed away at 41 and I have 2 children. I totally understand your feelings. It’s not that I want anyone’s husband, family ect, I just want mine back the way it was not as it is now “in pieces”