One Month!
Yup you read that right, one full month gone…….poof just like that. I couldn’t fall asleep last night because I was afraid to wake up this morning and go through my routine of seeing the time and thinking back onto what happened a month ago. So I resorted to one of my anti-anxiety pills and as usual that thing knocked me out. Not a bad thing honestly! Well just so happens there was no reliving the whole 6:30am time or the 7:10am time this morning because at 3am Mikey woke up with a 102 fever. He had been battling some virus since Friday night. The fevers would go up and then go back down. So at 3am I got him juice and a nice dose of motrin and then we both went back to sleep. As soon as he woke up with a fever I knew there was no way in hell I was taking him to daycare today so I didn’t bother.
My alarm went off at 6am like it usually does during the week and I just turned it off and went back to bed. The next time I looked at the time was at 8:30am when Mikey decided it was time to wake up for the day. I’m so thankful he waited that long because I totally missed the whole month-a-versary. No reliving the moments that happened exactly a month ago. So in a way I’m happy that Mikey woke up with a fever this morning, because it totally threw things off in a good way.
But it doesn’t mean that today wasn’t hard for me. It was hard. Every moment of February 1st was hard. I expect this entire month to be very very hard on me. I not only get to go through Valentine’s Day or what Gary would call it Hallmark Day all alone with no more cheesey Hallmark cards from him but 11 days later I get to deal with his birthday. We had high hopes to be celebrating his birthday on board a cruise ship since every birthday post-chemo would be a HUGE deal, but never again.
The hardest thing about today was seeing my 2yr old pick up my cell phone and attempt at a conversation with his daddy. If that doesn’t break your heart then I don’t know what would. I’ve told this to several people this last month, but if someone said “cut off your arm and you can have Gary back”, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Even if that trade was for just one minute, I’d jump at it. But I’ll never get that kind of an opportunity because he’s gone for good. I’m definitely still in the shock phase of grief because even though I know what really happened, part of me just can’t believe its real.
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A recent widow and single mom doing my best to survive on my own.
Last year I told Gary that I'd raise $1k at the 2010 walk, please help me reach my goal. This year Gary is one of the Honored Heroes for the walk so its even extra special to me. :) Just click on the Sponsor Me image to be taken to my fundraising page. Thank you!!!
Help me get to my 1st Half Marathon in Walt Disney World where I will run in memory of Gary :)
Sam Honey,
You write so beautifully. I could never say things as you do. But I feel and think everything you do. We are going to have good days and bad days. Lets just take them one day at a time. We know physicaly Gary is not here, but we also know he will always be with us. Things are so hard for us to understand why and so we cry. We cry for the loss of a husband and a son. Gary fought a strong fight and now we have to fight. He would not want us to do give up.
Together you and I have to fight to be strong for Michael. I love you.
All my love always,
Mom