One *is* the loneliest number
You all have surely heard the song with these words. For some reason this entire weekend when I’ve gotten up in the morning those were the words that popped into my head. I know most of you are probably thinking, but you aren’t alone. You are right, I’m not. I do have my wonderful Mikey, he’s my world right now, and I’m so grateful that I can call myself his mommy. I have family and friends, but they can’t possibly ever know what it feels like to be in my shoes.
No this isn’t gonna be a hugely Woah is Me post. I know I’m entitled to writing posts like that but quite honestly day in and day out I’m not miserable, so posting on here as if it was would be a lie. Somehow my life is going on without Gary, he would have wanted that. He wouldn’t want me miserable. Does it mean I don’t miss him endlessly? Not at all. I miss him more today than I did yesterday. Every day that goes by his death is made a little more REAL to me. Right now it still feels like he’s on this extended vacation and I’m not able to talk to him. But all I have to do is think about how he really will never come back and GOSH it sucks. So I try my hardest to not dwell on that because otherwise I would be miserable day in and day out.
Tomorrow morning at 7:10am marks 2 full months without Gary. How? I don’t know. I wish I knew. This time 2 months ago (well sorta kinda, doesn’t help that February is a short month), I was sitting in Gary’s room spending New Year’s Eve with him. I remember that night like it was just last night. I remember watching the numbers on his screen going up and then going down and telling my youngest brother how I wouldn’t want to leave him if they kept going down. I remember holding Gary’s VERY swollen hand as the countdown began at Times Square on TV, telling him how 2010 would be a MUCH better year for us. I remember trying to compose myself so that he didn’t hear my voice crack because of the tears that were rolling down my face. I remember telling him that I loved him so much and that I’d see him in the morning. Had I known that he’d leave me 7 hours later I would NEVER have left .
Ok so I lied this did sorta turn into a woah is me post. Hey its my blog right? I can do what I want 
Wherever you are, Gary, I miss you dearly.
And so the truth comes out
Today Gary’s mom and I made a stop to Ultimate Software, where Gary worked. He LOVED working there. I went to drop off this beautiful plaque that I had made with our family photo that The Yap’s took of us on Mother’s Day last year. I wanted something to say thank you for everything they’ve done for us this past year, I figured a card wasn’t good enough.
Well we were ending our tour of the building and one of Gary’s coworkers, Amanda, was telling us about how they all still talk about Gary riding The Hulk (at Islands of Adventure) 7 times in a row. Long story short, back in September of 2008, just a month after Gary started working at Ultimate, they had a company shindig at Universal Studios in Orlando, and he was not only invited but so were Mikey and I. So we went. We started off the day at Universal Studios, ended that park with going on the Mummy ride, which is a slight roller coaster ride and when Gary got off of it he felt a little queasy, but no one knew this but me.
We continued onto Islands of Adventure. I LOVE roller coasters so I was excited about going there. Every roller coaster we hit Gary would back off. He’d tell me that he’d stay behind “knitting” like an old lady. But that was our little inside joke, NO one knew this. I want to say while we were at the park we ran into some of his coworkers and he told someone that he had ridden the Hulk 7 times in a row and then started to feel a little queasy. He told me to not say anything on facebook about it because he wanted to be all macho with his new coworkers.
So it was rather funny when Amanda brought that up today. It’s almost like Gary wanted me to set the story straight once and for all. I gave Amanda this look like, ummmm yeah that’s not quite what happened. I asked her if she wanted to know the truth, and she said of course. So I told her the truth about how Gary didn’t go on a damn roller coaster ride that entire day except for the mummy ride which I hardly consider a roller coaster. She started laughing and laughing. And so the truth comes out. It’s almost like I was meant to tell her, it would never have come out had she not even mention the Hulk story. 
Sorry Ulti-peeps, Gary meant well with his lavish Hulk-riding stories. He truly used to be a roller-coaster junkie but as he got older, as he’d say “he started to grow a vag”.
And so came his birthday
Before today came I was afraid it would be extremely difficult on me. As if being single again on Valentine’s day didn’t suck enough I had to deal with Gary’s birthday soooooooo soon. I wasn’t ready, but really when would I have been ready? This morning I got up and thought it was going to be a sad day and just couldn’t fathom even saying Happy Birthday but as the day went on I realized if it weren’t for Gary’s birthday I wouldn’t have had him in my life and I wouldn’t have Mikey right now.
The day started by me dropping Mikey off at daycare. Then I headed downtown to meet my wonderful friend who is also my estate attorney to sign all of my official estate documents. For Me god forbid anything were to happen to me. The documents are safe and locked up in their vault but its all official. I have a will, a living will, a trust, and I’ve designated a guardian for Mikey. It’s all official. Something Gary and I never got around to doing, I did it. He’d be so proud.
The day ended with us singing Happy Birthday while releasing two balloons. Yes I know before you get all preachy about how its NOT good for the environment, I already know that. Gary’s mom picked out 2 balloons, a 3 and a 4 since really who makes a 34 balloon. We got back to my parents house and as the sun was starting to set we sand Happy Birthday to Gary and released the two balloons and stood there watching them fly away. What was amazing was that these two balloons that were not tied together flew off and stayed close to one another the entire way up. We watched until they were these two tiny dots in the sky.
So overall his birthday wasn’t that bad of a day. Did it suck, of course, I’d much rather have him here to take him out to dinner at Outback and embarrass him as they sing Happy Birthday to him (which he HATED). But he’d much rather us celebrate his life on his birthday because even in his short 33 years on this earth he touched so many lives.
What I did for *THIS* picture
For the longest time Gary had been bugging me to get our wedding negatives from our photographer. I DREADED doing this because I knew it would be a hassle. I had tried to do it over a year ago but never got a call back saying that the negatives were found and then the whole chemo thing happened and yeah well my priorities were elsewhere.
Once Gary passed those negatives became priceless to me. I enlisted the help of a great friend of mine, Christi. She called up my photographer and he basically gave her the cold shoulder because she wasn’t ME. Finally I got fed up with him avoiding her that I made the call and got ahold of him. I made plans to go find my negatives at his house. Yes you read that right, FIND! He made me help him clear out his closet and look for OUR box. The nerve! He hadn’t even bothered to look for them himself. He seriously waited for me to go.
Well Christi and I went, and somehow we found the box of negatives. Once we got them we left and I started looking through them looking for 1 picture in particular. This picture is what drove me to get our negatives. I wanted this picture to be framed and placed on the shelf where Gary’s urn will be placed once Mikey and I officially move back home.
This is one of my favorite photos of Gary. He cleaned up really well if I might say so myself
All I have now are pictures and the memories in my head. I’ll never get to see this beautiful smile looking back at me ever again.
He would have been proud
Over the past few days I’ve gathered quotes for a new Honda Pilot. I had decided that if I had to get rid of Gary’s car that I could use the money from his car, and take whatever my car is worth and roll it into a new Honda Pilot. I currently drive a Pilot but the new one is SWEET. Well I don’t have much time to move on this because of the fact that not only is our car insurance up for renewal in a few weeks but the car registrations on both of our cars are due THIS week because they are both in his name, and guess what’s this Thursday??? Yup Gary’s birthday (what would have been his 34th). 
So yeah back to the reason for the post. I went into the same car dealership that we bought my Pilot from armed with 3 other quotes. I didn’t tell them I had the quotes when I got there. I did tell them that I did know that I could get the car I wanted for $3500 under MSRP. I KNEW this. Well their initial offer was only at $3k below MSRP. I laughed at them. Seriously? Do you really think I’m THAT dumb???? Yes I’m a woman, and usually women can’t haggle but I’ll be damned if they are going to take advantage of ME. So I then told them that I knew they could do better than that and pulled out my other quotes.
The saleperson went back to the manager and came back saying something to the effect that these other dealers were lowballing me and there is no way they could sell the car to me at that price because they’d be losing out on $800. I told them that they weren’t the only dealer willing to go that low. So ultimately they decided to budge and gave me the car for exactly what I wanted.
So I’m now sporting a brand spanking new RED Honda Pilot, and I love it! Gary would have been so proud of me for doing this all by myself. I definitely learned from the best.
Counting down the days…weeks…months
My life has turned into a countdown of sorts. A countdown to “milestones”, although I would hardly call them milestones because in my book a milestone is usually a good thing. I’m always aware of how far I’ve come since January 1st and how far I need to go before the next “event” without Gary. Tomorrow will be 7 weeks, yeah you read that right, 7 freaking weeks. How? I have no idea. What’s funny, in a way, is that after Mikey was born, Gary would tease me when I’d count his age in weeks, and then it would be months, and finally I’ve gotten so lazy that when people ask me how old he is I just tell him he’s 2 instead of saying he’s 27 months old. See that’s too much work. I hope one day it gets to that point for me when I’m talking about how long its been since Gary passed. I can hope right?
Well in exactly one week I hit that next event, as if Valentine’s Day…..I mean Hallmark Day (as Gary would call it) wasn’t hard enough for me. In exactly one week I get to go through the first birthday without Gary, and of course of all birthday’s it has to be his. Gary would have been turning 34. We were supposed to be celebrating his birthday on a cruise because I vowed to him when he finished chemo that every birthday that he was around we’d celebrate because it would be something really worth celebrating. When you go through what we went through this last year you realize how precious every day is and shoot when you hit your birthday as a cancer patient, well that’s a milestone that is worth celebrating. We were both looking forward to going on a different kind of family vacation. We’ve done Disney, we’ve done DC, it was time to tackle the cruise ship with the little guy. But unfortunately Gary never got around to doing that with us.
Some people would say, well you should still go. Ummmmm can you imagine a grieving widow and her 2 year old son basically going through what is probably going to be one of the hardest days of the year (besides the day he died of course) feeling stuck on this huge boat in the middle of the ocean? Being around HAPPY FAMILIES??? Yeah, I don’t think so. Not going to happen any time soon.
There won’t be a cruise, there won’t be any celebrating. What will I be doing on February 25th? I’ll be meeting with my friend, who is also my estate attorney, to sign MY estate paperwork god forbid something were to happen to me. If it is one thing that I’ve learned from Gary’s death is that you NEED to address all of those papers that you avoid. You know which ones I’m talking about. The living will, power of attorney, the guardian’s for your child(ren), that sorta stuff. Stuff that you put aside because you never think you’ll need to get around to it. These are all things that we never got around to. Gary started to work on his will, but he never got around to making it official. And of course because of that I’m having to deal with probate and the likes, which will take months to get through. So on his birthday I’ll be signing my papers so that I can have that weight off of my shoulders and I can be assured that my little man will be taken care of. Of course I’m not going A-N-Y-W-H-E-R-E anytime soon!
Ok sorry for the tangent there. So yeah, next week, probably not gonna be a good one for me.
“Mommy is Sad”
Remember how I said I was getting ready to do a big redecorating project? Well I left work to go straight to my house to meet with a painter to tell him what colors I wanted where because he starts TOMORROW. My mom had the pleasure of picking up Mikey from daycare for me and brought him to my house and she asked me if I was sad this morning. I said no, why? She said, because Mikey said you were sad. And then he turned around and said, Yeah Mommy is Sad.
I’ll be honest I haven’t been sad since ummmm Sunday but its crazy that he is so in tune with my emotions. The kid is only 2 and even he knows me better than MYSELF!
Please take action!
Act Now – Urge Your Representatives to Support Increased Cancer Research Funding
The president’s recently released budget proposal includes increases of just 3.2 percent for NIH and 3.16 percent for NCI. Advocates are urged to contact their legislators and urge them to increase both NIH and NCI’s budget by 13.5 percent; increases of $4.2 billion for NIH and $691 million for NCI. Please contact your elected official now!
As most of my readers already know, the NIH is responsible for finally giving Gary an accurate diagnosis AND he also participated in a clinical trial at the NIH since his form of lymphoma is so very rare. It takes places like the NIH, that solely rely on government funding, to help get us closer to a cure for cancer.
The NIH is a fabulous place with some very talented individuals that know their shit! Even though Gary is no longer with us I feel the need to help advocate for proper funding for the NIH.
I urge all of my readers to click on the link below. It’ll take you to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society’s website and you just need to plug in some contact info in a form and they’ll take care of notifying your representatives. It’s THAT easy.
It sucks to wake up
Sleepytime (as Gary would call it) is sometimes one of my favorite times of the day because all of my worries from the day just disappear. Sometimes my dreams are so good I almost wish I never did have to wake up, more so now than ever before. This morning was one of those days when I woke up and remembered every detail of my dream. No I didn’t win the lottery, or was on some fabulous getaway in the Mediterranean. My dream last night was located in the hospital with Gary. But this time it was a much different outcome. He was getting better, his beautiful green eyes were open and I was able to look into them. He was even able to give Mikey a high five and put his hands up in a diamond shape (like Mikey does) as Mikey sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to his daddy.
It was such a great dream! What I’d give to have that a reality, but I know that no amount of money could ever make that happen ever again.
It sucked SO much to wake up this morning.
One “holiday” down, more to go
Gary and I never really considered Valentine’s Day a holiday. As Gary would call it by what should really be its name “Hallmark Day”. Saturday night was rough on me emotionally because it hit me that I was going to wake up in the morning and there wouldn’t be a present thoughtfully placed out in the kitchen for me to find like we always did for each other on days like Hallmark Day. My mom saw how depressed I was that she gave me her gift to me a little early. She got me the open heart angel from Kay’s, it looks like this:
When I saw it in the magazine a few weeks ago I knew I had to have it since I truly believe Gary is our angel watching over us. So it was just perfect.
Well yesterday came and yesterday went. I cannot be happier that the stupid holiday is over and done with. My mom surprised me with a HUGE bouquet of 24 yellow and red roses. It was beautiful and very thoughtful. In a way once again when I needed to be distracted the most, Mikey helped by being sick again. So thanks to that this three day weekend has gone by without be being so horribly depressed.
Next big event is looming in just 10 days, what would have been Gary’s 34th birthday.
Even if Mikey ended up being sick I don’t think that will be distraction enough on that day.
A recent widow and single mom doing my best to survive on my own.
Last year I told Gary that I'd raise $1k at the 2010 walk, please help me reach my goal. This year Gary is one of the Honored Heroes for the walk so its even extra special to me. :) Just click on the Sponsor Me image to be taken to my fundraising page. Thank you!!!
Help me get to my 1st Half Marathon in Walt Disney World where I will run in memory of Gary :)
