Updates! :)

Posted by Sammy

Dec 29

Wow I didn’t realize how long it’s been since I last updated my blog. A lot has happened in the last 5 months. I’d venture to say its all been pretty darn good too.

The most notable is that I changed jobs. I totally left my old company and moved to the same company that Gary used to work for. It was the only company that I would ever leave for and I managed to land a GREAT job there. I couldn’t be happier. It truly is as great as a company as he told me it was :)

The next most notable is that I have been training with Team in Training again since the end of August. I’ve had some bumps along the road and have had to see a doctor or two or three but I’m officially less than 1 month away from my first half marathon! I have decided to keep my first half closer to home and will be doing the ING in Miami. :) it’s great to have come this far without reinjuring myself.

I may be 3 days away from the 2nd anniversary of Gary’s death but I finally feel like things are going my way. I just hope this momentum sticks :)

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An Amazing Read….

Posted by Sammy

Jul 19

A few months ago, Matt Logelin came out with his book Two Kisses for Maddy/ It’s his story about losing his wife Liz shortly after the birth of their daughter Maddy. I started reading the book soon after I got it. It was really hard for me to put down up until I got to the part where Matt was in the hospital outside of Liz’s room as the doctor’s were trying to save her life. I hit a major reading road block. So I put the book aside and read other books until I was ready to conquer the book once again. Well a few weeks ago I figured that I’d do just that. I’d finally finish this book. There were lots of moments where I flat out cried, and others where I laughed. LOTS of moments where I could completely relate to Matt. Our losses didn’t occur under the same circumstances but the emotions you go through are the same. They are RAW and they hurt like HELL. I did want to share some quotes from his book that I found very powerful…..

Matt talks about how sometimes strangers can be the greatest source of comfort….

I went to my bank to make a depost, and as I approached the bulletproof glass that cascaded from the ceiling to the counter, I couldn’t help but think about all the times I had visited Liz at her college summer job as a teller in Minneapolis. I did my best to hold back the tears, but when I was about to speak to the young woman at the counter, I completely broke down. “Are you okay?” she asked. I looked up and made some sort of unintelligible sound that clearly indicated I wasn’t. I’m not sure if it was the noise I made or the sadness plastered across my face, but the teller immediately started crying and looked at me with an expression I would never have expected from someone I didn’t know. It wasn’t pity – she didn’t even know my story, so it wasn’t shock, either. It was the purest and most sincere form of sympathy a human could relay.

Matt talking about constantly flashing back to events in the past, something I could totally relate to….

Time was passing so much more quickly than I had anticipated. I found myself constantly flashing back to what Liz and I had been doing exactly a year earlier – it was impossible not to. As much as I loved thinking about the trips we’d taken and the fun we’d had together during our time together, it hurt so much more to remember what it had been like just the year before: our last vacation, birthday, whatever, together, and without our knowing.

Matt talking about how going Christmas shopping and seeing happy families, and almost wanting to tell them to cherish what they have because it could very well be their last. This is also something that I’ve wanted to do (especially around holiday’s like Christmas, New Year’s, and Father’s Day)…

As happy as I tried to be for Madeline, the shopping trip was excruciating. There were dads and moms and kids everywhere, pointing and running and laughing, and my heart was just…broken. Obliterated. Ground up into a fine paste. Their Christmases would be perfect, their families intact. They may not have appreciated that, and I daydreamed about telling them that they should.

Like I said this is a very powerful book. It does bring a smile to my face to see a widow writing what it feels like to be a widow. Our lives are not all peachy and just because time has passed doesn’t mean the hurt will ever be forgotten. There will be certain events that will probably trigger the dreaded Grief Monster to hit me like a brick wall. It’ll happen, I know it will.

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A year and a half later

Posted by Sammy

Jul 1

It feels like just yesterday…memories that are forever engrained into my head….to erase them would be slightly blissful, but I know that’ll never happen….

Hitting snooze on New Years morning 2010 just because I could…not like the hospital would call on New Years Day of alllllll days right?!?!?

Hearing my cell ring shortly after and knowing what that meant even before I picked up the phone. My heart stops, they won’t tell me anything….panicking…..falling all over the place trying to get dressed….MUST GO TO THE HOSPITAL FAST!!!!!

Waking up my little brother who crashed on our couch after spending New Year’s Eve with me at Gary’s bedside. Then waking up Gary’s mom and seeing her fall off of the bed because I startled her. Rushing to the hospital that is only 5 minutes away….the longest drive ever. This can’t be happening.

Going through security….running and running and running through what seemed like the longest corridor ever to get to the elevators. Getting to the 3rd floor and then running again to ICU. Turning the corner and seeing bright lights and the curtains drawn in his room. I knew what was happening inside without anyone saying a word to me.

Silence as I sat in a chair directly in front of his room…holding hands with my little brother as we waited for 30 minutes (the amount of time they would work on him)….a time limit on Gary’s life. My mom running in along with Gary’s mom…holding our breath in utter silence and just waiting as the clock ticks.

Hearing the doctor call the time….

Time of Death….7:10am….the moment our lives changed forever.

I can hear myself screaming “Nooooooo”….in an absolute fog….this can’t be real.

At some point I make it back out to the waiting room where a bunch of family and friends are waiting and all I care about is my Mikey. My fatherless angel who has absolutely no idea what happened to his daddy. I hug him and start crying and I can hear him say “Mommy why are you crying?” and I can’t bear to tell him why.

A year and a half later and the memories are as vivid as if it happened just yesterday. And as sick as it might sound I wish I could go back to that moment to be able to see my sweet Gary just one last time.

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Grief Monster Strikes Again :(

Posted by Sammy

Jun 18

I should be fast asleep right now but instead I’m waiting on my anti-anxiety pill to kick in. I haven’t needed it in a long time, but tonight I knew I needed it since my mind would not stop for a second as soon as I tried to go to sleep. For some F’d up reason I started thinking about how tomorrow is Father’s Day. Our second one without Gary here. It get’s worse……then I decide to do the math and realize that Gary only celebrated 2 Father’s Day’s with Mikey and his last one was right after his first chemo treatment. :( see told you it got worse. Then the flood gates opened up. I have not cried like this in a long long long time. Just when you think you are doing fan-freaking-tastic the grief monster slaps you in the face and reminds you that you aren’t fine that none of this is fine. I can go on with my life and throw that fake ass smile on my face but deep down I’m still heartbroken. Had I known two years ago what I know now I would have made a huge deal about Father’s Day for Gary since it would have been his last one :(

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Maybe he does remember…..

Posted by Sammy

May 31

This past weekend I decided to surprise Mikey with a trip to Disney. It had been a year since our last trip and that’s the longest we have gone without a trip there. We were at the park all the way until the fireworks at night. Our 3rd ride was It’s a Small World which was totally Mikey’s choice. When he saw it he turned to me and asked if that was the boat ride with the happy song. Ummmm of course it is! Immediately I thought about how he remembered that from the last time we were there….a year ago. Which now gives me some hope that maybe just maybe he has some kind of memory of his daddy. That’s one thing I worry about the most because Gary feared that Mikey would hate him if he died when Mikey was so young.

Of course all I can do is what I currently am doing and that is keeping his daddy as alive as I can with photos and stories. If Mikey grows up to be anything like me he will love the fact that he had a dad that risked his life for his family. Ok maybe love isn’t the word because I’m sure he’d love to have his dad here with him, but you know what I mean.

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PTSD….

Posted by Sammy

May 25

It’s been awhile since I’ve last blogged as you can tell. I’ve been taking some much needed me time away from the computer when I get home from work. My days are so stressful that the last thing I wanna do is turn a computer on. So why post now? Well because for Mother’s Day I got myself an iPad and guess what? They have a word fess app on it so it makes it super easy to write up a quick post. I’ve had the app on my phone but let’s face it typing up a lengthy post from a tiny phone is just plain difficult.

Well my first post back is about PTSD, aka post traumatic stress disorder, and I’ve self-diagnosed myself with it. Why do I think I have it? Because I’m having nightmares ghats why! Nightmares of someone dying after being hooked up to a ventilator.

My first experience with a ventilator was about 10.5 years ago when my dad had a five bypass surgery. After he got out we saw him in ICU and he was hooked up to a ventilator. I was 21 at the time and I remember how scary it was especially because when we saw him he was awake. But thankfully my dad recovered and has been relatively healthy ever since.

My second experience wasn’t as good though. About 8 years ago my grandmother, whom I was extremely close to, ended up in the hospital with some lung issues. One day she was fine and the next not so. She ended up on a breathing machine. I remember seeing her while she was hooked up and having her squeeze my hand before she went into a coma. :( because she had made her wishes clear that she did not want to live on a machine it was decided to unplug her from the respirator and of course shenwas gone forever.

Then came Gary and the respirator which turned out beyond horrible. My absolute worst nightmare ever! If that alone wouldn’t trigger PTSD I’m not sure what would.

Now I’m left with nightmares that come every once in awhile, and when they come they are so incredibly vivid. It’s usually someone I care about in the hospital hooked up to a respirator and the outcome can go either way. Sometimes that individual dies and sometimes they are lucky enough to live. Regardless of the outcome, I relive those same feelings that I went through in the hospital during Gary’s last moments. Feelings that were hard enough to live once yet I get to do it over and over when I’m supposed to be dreaming if wonderful things.

At least I’ve come to terms with my condition and I truly believe as I embrace it I will only get better and better. Or at least I can hope.

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The power of 33

Posted by Sammy

Feb 14

I’ve written so many blog posts and talked to so many people about the things that happened when Gary was in the hospital that I can’t remember if I’ve told this story or not. It came up tonight when I was at a friend’s house talking about how Gary ended up in the hospital (kinda bittersweet to talk about him on Hallmark Day). Well the day after Christmas of 2009 I remember being in Gary’s ICU room. The curtains were drawn closed so you couldn’t see the nurses station. He was very delusional and all of a sudden he just starts saying 3-33…3-33….3-33. And he’d turn to me and ask me if I saw the numbers to, and to appease him I told him I could because I didn’t want to upset him. At the time I thought nothing of those numbers.

Fast forward to January 1st…Gary passes away (at the age of 33)…and I end up at home surrounded by family. I remembered that the FSU bowl game was on, but I couldn’t watch it because it was way too hard for me. Well that game was Bobby Bowden’s last game with the Noles, and was his 33rd bowl game….it get’s better. FSU won that game with a total of 33 points!

When I went up to Atlanta for New Year’s Eve last year for the Chick-fil-a bowl game where FSU played USC I was having a great time not thinking about what the next day was going to be. Well it was the end of the 4th quarter and FSU had 26 points on the board and were close to making another touchdown. All of a sudden I look up at the scoreboard and decide to do the math….26+7 = 33! I gasped and was like NO FUCKING WAY! I wasn’t going to say anything but I told my friend about the story. Even though FSU only ended up winning that game with 26 points I believe it was kinda Gary’s way of communicating with me….and if not well let me think what I wanna think! ;)

Now fast forward to tonight…Hallmark Day. I went over to a friend’s house for dinner and a playdate with our kids. As I recounted the story of 3-33, my friend stopped me and was like 333? She said that this number combination has ties to angels. I’ve NEVER heard of this but apparently recently another friend of hers has been seeing the number 333 all over the place and looked into it more and discovered this. I did ape quick google search and found so many things on 333 and angels. Makes you think right!?!!?!?

Oh and as I type this blog post I noticed that on my dresser I had some weights. I thought they were 5lb weights….nope….wanna guess their weight? 3lbs! And what do I see again? The number 33!!!

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On this first anniversary…..

Posted by Sammy

Jan 1

I chose to write a letter to Gary and reflect back on this first year without him and figured I’d share it here on my blog.


Dear Gary,

This past year has been one that I don’t think I could ever forget, but so much of me wants to put 2010 past me as if it never happened…kinda skip a year. I don’t think I could ever forget what happened a year ago today. How could I? To this day if my cell phone were to ring while I’m sleeping my heart stops. I completely freak out. Just like I did a year ago. Something about that default iphone ring tone and being woken up…..not a good combo for me.

With your loss I’ve learned a heck of a lot about myself. I’m an one STRONG ass cookie! I know you’d be impressed with all that I’ve been able to accomplish without you here. I’ve still got a lot of perfecting to do but in due time I’ll get to where I need to get to. I know you wouldn’t have left us if you didn’t think I could handle it on my own. I know you hated so much that your own father left you and your mom when you were 2 and you did not want the same to happen to Mikey but yet you left us….and I really have to believe that you wouldn’t have done that if you really didn’t think I could do it.

I’ve also learned that grief is a very interesting thing to go through. When people say that it comes and goes in waves….boy are they right! What’s weird is that when it came to your birthday, our anniversary, my birthday, Mikey’s birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years I’ve built up how emotionally horrible these days would be for me without you here yet all I’m hit with is complete numbness. I’ll have days building up to those events where I cry my eyes out and then “the” day comes and BAM not a damn tear….just utter NUMBNESS. But this is normal or so I’ve heard.

I’m glad 2011 is here because that means I can put the horrible thing that is the year 2010 behind me. Yes some good things did happen in 2010 but they were overshadowed by so many bad, which is why I am glad its behind me. I know every year that goes by I’ll just get stronger and stronger. I have my special angel upstairs watching over me to push me in the right direction.

Love you to infinite ;)

Sam

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Just add a little bit of numb

Posted by Sammy

Dec 28

As the year winds down and I’ve hit the DREADED last week of the year I just haven’t been able to escape reflecting back to where I was a year ago. What surprises me most is as much as I had dreaded this week I have yet to shed a tear this week. Maybe I got it all out of my system when I was building up to it? I don’t know but I’ll take this numbness for all its worth. I feel like I could relive this week of 2009 like it was yesterday. Taking Gary to the hospital on Christmas Day…..hearing his last words “My wife I love her” minutes before they decide that they needed to intubate him…..Seeing Gary’s swollen hands and giving the ok to have them cut off his wedding band and crying my eyes out while holding his cut ring in my hand……Ringing in 2010 by his bedside with tears flowing down my face and holding his swollen hand, vowing that 2010 would be a better year for him……and then the dreaded call that I received on New Year’s morning.

I could relive that week because its so ingrained into my mind. How could anyone forget those details??? I lived every single moment of that week in slow motion and seriously would give anything to do it over just to because it would mean I’d get to see Gary alive again. Even if he was hooked up to all of his machines.

So grief is a very interesting thing. It’s not all depressing and filled with crying and not being able to sleep. It’s also numbness and right now I’m embracing that for all its worth.

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T-minus 1 months

Posted by Sammy

Nov 30

And all I can say is U.G.H!!!! My anxiety hasn’t been at the level it is right now in ummmmm about 10ish months. It’s so bad right now that I have resorted back to taking my anti-anxiety pills to help me sleep at night. I know why my anxiety levels are higher its because I’m now at the doorsteps of the dreaded month of December. I can now easily countdown the days until the 1st anniversary of Gary’s death. UGH! 11 months ago tonight I was by his bedside promising to be there to ring in 2010 with him. A year that would be better for the Zullo’s. I remember walking the halls with my little brother, Steven, checking in on Gary’s Oxygen and blood pressure levels ever so often because they were all over the map. UGH!

In 25 days it’ll be the 1 year anniversary of the day that I took Gary to the hospital, on Fucking Christmas Day!

In 26 days it’ll be the 1 year anniversary of the last time I heard his voice. The very last words that he ever said, words I’ll never forget for the rest of my life…..”My wife, I love her” :(

In 32 days it’ll be the 1 year anniversary of the day that I lost my husband…..the day that Mikey lost his father……the day that Gary’s mom lost her son. :( The day that a wonderful man lost his life to a very horrible disease :(

So as you can see my anxiety levels are high and I don’t expect them to get any better as the month of December dwindles by me.

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